The Simplest Profoundities - My Ditzy Darling

Ah, my darling. My Ditzy.

So much more than simply a cute face. She is my baby, yes, but most of all, she is my best friend.

How can a dog be my best friend? Well, she is. She has always been there for me when no one else was.

She has always listened. That's something I needed so badly when I had depression. A lot of people do. I know most dogs will sit with you and 'listen', but this one is something else. We have always connected, and she has always understood my emotional needs. It's like she was made for me.

She has always been there for me. She has always loved me. No matter the struggles of my life, no matter the struggles of my self, she always saw who I truly was - not who I saw. She loved me, for me, and nothing has changed to her. She has loved me, and I have grown to adore her way of loving.

Unconditional love. Sometimes I think God has shown me glimpses of His love through this dog. Of this unending love, which cannot be taken back because of wrongs, or deeds, or thoughts. It continues, on and on.
Many times, this dog has been prepared to give her life for me. To give all she has, all she is - for my safety, and for that, I am grateful. How much more has Christ done for us.

Another side of God through this dog is how she loves me. This dog adores me, as though I am her all. When I leave, she pines, and awaits my return below my bedroom, when I am with her, she is happy to sit and simply be. Yet it is a state of adoration - of worship, if you will - which displays how she loves. I believe God has shown me this is yet another lesson - this is how we should love Him. Forever trusting, unafraid when He is near, adoring, looking only at Him, and being completely content. This is love.

Sheer joy. Of happiness when I am with you, and thinking of you always. That is what I love about this dog. Not because she takes the place of God - no, never - but because she brings me to a deeper understanding of God - and life itself.

Lessons on Love. Perhaps we need these lessons far more than we realise.

Feminism, The Woman, and God

I find this image the perfect example of a beautiful, feminine lady,who not only carries an air of innocent beauty and grace but also a wistful, and perhaps enchanting look. From any person's point of view - be they man, woman, or even child, this young girl appears not only tender, calm and loving, but also very much her own person.
She is, I feel, a very good example to begin with.

Over the past few years (years, and recently, months), God has been revealing to me many things about myself, about who I was created to be - and also who I was not. By that I mean that my identity was not wrapped up in someone or something else, neither was it determined by how hard, or by what or who I tried to be.
God has been teaching me (and I slowly learning) about not only seeing and becoming the person He intended me to be, but the incredible beauty of that - not in the worldly sense of beauty, but in the sense of a sense of being, of perfection, of all being good, and as it was meant to be. True beauty is not based on appearance at all - but goes beyond, deeper, and further into things we cannot understand. God is beauty, perfection and goodness. Only when we understand that can we even begin to grasp the concept of beauty.

It is this 'beauty' in myself that I am finally seeing, and appreciating, and even loving. Not in a vain way, nor in a false way, but as one in awe of the incredible person God has created me to be - and the many parts to that person.

Now, the point of my further topics is not necessarily myself, but rather a series of revelations regarding what I feel the Lord is directing me to write on.

Particularly, as I am a female, and a young woman, and this is now my identity - I feel it is very important for even myself to understand exactly who I was made to be - and who I was not. I feel this may become a series of very interesting revelations - which hopefully can teach me something along the way.

I also know that there is so much locked up in this 'woman' (I do speak particularly to girls here, but guys, please do read) that affects us on the outside, and the physical expressions of sometimes, trying to be that person when we don't know how - anorexia, eating disorders, depression - I've had experience in some of these realms. I know that while some of this is rooted in our grasp on life, it is also very much rooted in our acceptance of who we are - or rather, not - and who we were made to be - and as women, gender plays a huge part in it. Our gender does define who we are, just as much as our personality does - and there's no escaping it - nor should there be.

I hope (and pray) that someone will read this series of revelations and be encouraged, and learn (as I am sure I will also) to embrace, welcome and see as true beauty - the person we are -and for me, that means as a woman - because God made me that way.

Satisfaction IS Found - in the One and Only

I think many of us go through the same struggles.
The struggles of life - I need not list them here.

My point being here, is that, once, I posted a topic about my own personal struggle (with God) and the seemingly endless struggle with finding satisfaction. (Being fully filled.)

I shall not say that it has happened recently, but rather over a period of time - I have indeed found that satisfaction, the deep, true, and filling satisfaction given only by God.

And when I speak of satisfaction I do not indeed speak of physical or emotional satisfaction - no - I am referring to the Spiritual.

And it is this aspect which can only ever be fully filled by God - and only God. That 'void' that so many of us hear about, know about, and try to fill with other things.

The thing is,

Only God can satisfy you.

Not only will He, but He delights in satisfying - in filling, over-flowing, renewing.

Satisfaction must be found in God alone - and then other forms of satisfaction flow from that.

If you are desperate, as I was, not too long ago, hungry, longing - and eager; ask God. He will satisfy you, He will fulfill His every promise and be as fulfilling and satisfying as a well-eaten physical meal - filling, nourishing, and exactly what was needed.

Let Him fill You.

This song, 'Satisfy' - by Tenth Avenue North, is a plea, a comission - from Our hearts to God's. Asking Him, begging Him, to be our satisfaction. To replace in us and around us anything that matters (or what we thought mattered) and fully, completely, fill it with Him. Amen to that!

The Gift of Music - And God.

There's something about Music... which winds its way through our lives, gripping, shaping, leading, in a way that never really ends. Songs are written, lyrics change, music does not. Yet with all the endless-ness of this invention, it never grows old. It also remains deep within each one of us - in many ways, expressing what we - and mere words - cannot.

The Gift of Music.

I have known this gift all my life but have never relied on it as much as I do now. The above song is simply another example of wording something one cannot.

My year, my life, my struggle - as it has been - is summed up in both of these songs. Beautiful, haunting, challenging. 

The current struggle of life may not be as life-threatening but it still remains, forcing me (forcing us all) to daily let go, let God, and simply Trust, even when it seems we cannot. 

For the battle has not been won yet, the war is still waging, and the struggles continue.

One thing remains the same - 

This Trust, this Hope, this God.

Amen.

Where does inspiration come from - and the thought of repeating history

It seems my blog is missing some words lately. Photographs are great, as are many millions of projects, but there is always something to be said for words - literally.
Okay, ignore that part. My point being, it is time to write again. At least, it will be soon.
I'm not sure what though. Something will come, and when it does, it will be, I daresay, a profound and relevant revelation.

Something new under the sun.
You know, something interesting that I have discovered lately, is that, despite what King Solomon stated in Ecclesiastes (there is nothing new under the sun) new things are being discovered all the time. A lot of old principles are being discovered, too, but new things are being 'created' inspired, etc.
Thinking on this topic the other day, I had been asking God for divine inspiration regarding some of my more recent artwork.
And yes, this may sound silly, but the thought did cross my mind that I would only be doing something re-hashed of something once done.
How silly of me! God has been showing me that despite ideas being repeated over time, there is still always something new - providing God is the inspiration leading you to that new something!

He particularly pointed out to me that being the God of creation, as He is, well, there just isn't anything He cannot do. So, well, if God made this earth, thought of all the incredible and amazing things we have around us today (I shan't list them all), how much more so can He still create, and reveal to us also!

God truly is the author of inspiration - when ideas dry up, ask God. There is no end to His ideas. To His brilliance. To the genius of God.

What the Lord has done in ME - and What He is still doing... though I know it not.

Wow. I don't know where to start, or really that there is a beginning.
There is merely a forward motion of progress; no apparent start and no apparent end. And so, this is the way, it would seem, life goes.
So be it. And what, exaclty, you ask... is that supposed to mean exactly? Not a huge deal. In some kind of optimistic way, though, it means that life goes on. Which it does. Funny thing is, that's the nature of life, isn't it? And yet God has organised it that way. Day in.. day out. Sun rises, sun sets. Seasons come and go.
Yes. Right now, I am meandering. So, shall I get the the point?

My title. If the above didn't exactly make much sense, I'll skip the waffle and give an interpretation, in, well, English.
So much has happened in my life over the past 3+ weeks. I've been busy, away, absolutely flat-out and sometimes bored out of my brain. (That was 3 weeks ago, home alone... )
As I stated abive, I never really know where or when, or how to start. Especially now, now that God has done something incredible in my life.
I suppose I'll go back to where I left off from my last post here, and a quick fill-in of what's been happening in this crazy mad life of mine. Most importantly, God has been changing me, and teaching me, and healing me. That last one is just something completely indescribable, the finality of finally being able to discard of these old wounds and burdens and be finally able to live alive - at last. I do not merely speak of my physical illness/ess and the healing which I have slowly been receiving from the Father for these (and praise His holy name) but rather of the deep, inner and crippling wounds I have carried about on the inside of me for as long as I can remember. As it stands, I am also convinced that physical illness as was in my case was only a very small glimpse of the turmoil that was going on inside me.
My body at last, did weaken from the inside calamity and began to show as a physical illness. I truly believe that many physical conditions are only expressions of what is really going on inside - as it eventually has to get out somewhere. In many ways, it is a mercy it has happened to me now, that I am able to see and recognise these things which have been suffocating and hindering me for so long - and by God's incredible grace they have been revealed to me.

With that said, I can only say I am finally, at long last really beginning to truly understand (as if a mere human could) the incredible healing of God, the trueness of it, the freedom which can now be grasped, and the hope alighted. I know I will never be the same again, my Lord has touched me more than I ever thought possible, and has set my very world ablaze. Not in some crazy, wild, uncontrollable or childish manner, but in a way so deep, so hidden within me, so tangible, so true, it simply is. He is in me, He has healed me.

Does it not say in the Bible, 'come, and tell of the wonders He has done'? I used to think that was all very well - for others, and for truly miraculous circumstances. But not only is our God a God of miracles, He is a God of everyday miracles, of the little things, so concerned with changing our hearts and ensuring we know how much (or get a glimpse of) just how incredible and never-ending is His love.

With that thought in mind, I will end here, but do return, for you shall find me ever changed by the Grace of our Lord, and it even surprises me (who has had a close walk with God) to discover just how much I keep talking of what He has done - and in a genuine, real, way - as one who has experienced the depths of darkness and has been brought back into life and light! And O what glorious, real, saving light that is!

A Masterpiece A Day - Monday

This week I have decided to do something a little different. Well, I decided a few weeks ago, but my idea required me beginning it at the start of a week and it was the middle.

I have set, (or am setting) a personal challenge for myself, to simply improve my art skills and techniques by experimenting with different styles, methods and outcomes. This includes using mediums I am not overly comfotable with, just to strecth myself that little bit more - and do what I always do - the same methods I have used to teach myself how to draw.

It's funny, I actually find my art improves when I am doing something different as I have to pay a lot more attention. No room for mistakes. Repeditive stuff, well, I let it slip a little.
There's no room for that now.

Time for my self-taught masterpieces.

One other thing. I will have each individual masterpiece up for sale.


Monday.

Today's Monday. Eeeh, Mondays. Well, yeah, enough said. The day aside, Monday still has room for artwork.  You see, for me, art isn't a job. It's not work, and I never want it to be that way. That's why I'd suck as a professional designer or something. No, My art needs to be free. It needs to be inspired.

My art is also my stress relief. The more art I do... the less stressed. (In theory, unless you say the opposite, I need more art because I am more stressed...) anyhoo.

Monday's Masterpiece.

"Tigress and Son"

Isn't she such a beauty?
My favourite part of this adorable loving pair is actually the cub. Small, shy, and completely unaware of the big bad world, he is simply focused on loving mum back.
And she loves him.
Touch. Smell. Taste.
He is her child, her offspring. She would give her life for him.
Love.

Companionship.
Togetherness.

This cub will grow up, become a lone and fierce tiger.

But right now, all he knows is mum.

And safety.

And home.

. Charcoal drawing, done using natural organic charcoal, black.

. Drawn on A4 sized heavy duty sketch paper.

Photographs, and artwork (c) mine. Artwork currently available on Ebay.au.

Eating - Free from Guilt - you might be captured and not know it...

Guilt. Ah. Yeah. 
I know that monster. 

I've been waiting a while to write this one. God's had it on my heart for some time now, but it certainly hasn't been something I have been able to conquer in a day. Or in a month. Or even in a lifetime. No, I cannot conquer it. Not on my own, anyway. But that's what I want to talk about.

In particular, the guilt associated with food. There are many areas which we can experience guilt about, but for me, and I am sure, many others, this area concerns food, eating, and physical appearance. I have always battled with feelings of shame, condemnation and guilt whenever I had anything to do with food - so much so that it became an occupational hazard. Haha. Part of the cause of that goes back to my own issues of self-esteem (or lack of it) as I mentioned in a topic further back. But some of that simply came from 'opression' that I was experiencing from the devil simply because I was oblivious to anything else.

It's like the example of A raining great big cloud - oftentimes we don't realise just how big it is until we get out from underneath it. Being condemned and always feeling guilty can be like that. We just don't know what its like beyond that. Sometimes, it can even feel like the 'normal'. We accept it. Try to live with it. Yet wonder why, day after day, we struggle so much, feel so terrible, and find it very hard to enjoy life as it should be.

The first step to getting rid of guilt, I believe, is to recognise it. That took me a long time, and some days I do slip back into accepting it. But we really cannot accept this burdenous beast if we are Christians - children of the living God - and have been freed by Christ to live full and free lives.
There is a huge difference between guilt and conviction. Feeling condemned is like death. Conviction is a little nagging to repent and change for the better. Condemnation offers no alternative - but continues to remind you just how bad you are.
Guilt focuses on our bad points, our sins, and flaws - intending to bring you down, down, down until you drop and have no means of escape. But God doesn't want us to be like that!

He has set us free! 

To recognise guilt, you have to believe that their is an enemy out there, and that he is out to get you. You may not even be doing anything threatening, but he is still out to take you out - and not for dinner.

Guilt is deceiving. I recently heard a friend of mine calling herself a 'fattie' for eating lunch. I was horrified to think that she really believed eating (of any sort) would make her fat. But then I soon realised this was my own thought pattern less than 12 months ago. There, in that instance, is an example of the guilt she was feeling.
Guilt is a lie. The enemy is very clever with his methods of warfare, and they always involve distorting the truth. If he can get you to believe that all food is bad, then you will always live in torment, fear and guilt of that food and he will have won - by keeping you captive to these things!

Guilt is not of God.

Once we have recognised guilt, and are feeling (hopefully) righteously angered by its effect on us, we can begin to take our stand against it. For good. That's not to say you will never experience guilt again - I still struggle daily with some things - but you will be freed!

Guilt is not of God.
Romans 8:1 Clearly states:

"Therefore, there is now no condemnantion for those who are in Christ Jesus,

- because throught Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of Life set me free from the law of sin and death."

See that? Freedom! And the first key to kicking guilt for good is to believe that wholeheartedly.
Not just believe, but know. Know, accept, and SPEAK it.

There is a huge power in the spoken word. That's the next step for kicking guilt - and this is the most important step, the one I use daily.

The Audible WORD of GOD.

The Bible lists in the collection of Spiritual amour a Sword which is of the Spirit, and describes it as the WORD of God. We know the word of God is the Bible. The Bible also call sthis sword double-edged and able to penetrate bone and marrow.

Using the Word of God against the enemy is like slashing that sword around - not just wherever, but accurately - and it is a deadly weapon.

Fighting guilt is that simple - quoting the Living WORD of God.

Quote scripture. Audibly. Be specific. It works. Some days I have to quote verses, specific ones, like that one above, for many, many times. Sometimes I forget about guilt and then wonder why I have a crap day because I don't fight it.
Do not accept guilt.
Remember, guilt is not of God. God has given us the keys and tools to be free - so pray and ask for them, ask for protection, for freedom, for joy - for peace.

As for food, even if you splurge, you shouldn't guilt trip yourself or allow guilt to punish you. Tomorrow's a new day - second chances anew. Allow conviction though - if you're eating way to much chocolate cake to be healthy, then slow down and listen to that conviction.

Remember, as far as food is concerned, guilt has no place.

Your body is a temple to the Lord. 

I know, from experience that its hard to to, but treat it as such. And don't try this in your own strength - allow God to strengthen you both in willpower and physically.
Accept no condemnation.

And live free.

Weak

The opposite of strong.
And I do not mean simple not being as strong as the body builder on tv, or even as strong as someone who goes to the gym.
What about not having any strength at all?

I do not write this as a means to complain, or talk about just 'how I feel'. No. There is something much deeper here.

Have you ever felt weak?

Maybe it was after a time of strenous physical activity, like running a long distance or working hard all day. The end result is the feeling that your body cannot take anymore, and your legs feel as though they will pack it in if you dare ask anymore of them.

That is how I feel all the time.

Weak. 

Even walking is a challenge at the moment, and anything else physical is certainly out of the question. I spend the majority of my days at the moment in bed or in a loungechair. Comfortable... not really. But it beats being stuck in bed with nothing to do.
Part of me questions whether I am being lazy some days... and I attempt way too much. This results in me being stuck in bed for longer. Ah, so I am learning to listen to my body. I am also learning to listen to that still, small voice when I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to distract my mind with, and no one to talk to. And it tells me many things.

One of those things is simply the amazing fact that occassionally it takes something like this - being stuck, unable to physically move - to be still enough to one, listen, and two, actually be quiet enough to hear what the father is saying.

And really, it all goes back to how busy be are. We are just too busy. So much to do, so many priorities, so many plans, a long agenda. But how much of that is God's plan? Or have we, possibly, gone astray from His original plan in our own desire to be fulfilled, busy, have a job, and continue onwards in the mundane highway of our own making? How much more does He have in store for us, or wants us to experience, but we derail these plans He has because we are so busy and obsessed with our own?

It certainly makes for an interesting thought. I myself am guilty of having done this. I do not even suggest it do condemn - but rather, as something to think on.

So think on it - does it have to take a life-altering thing for God to be able to talk to us? Are we SO busy that He cannot get through? Or perhaps we should take the time to stop, and ask, and simply listen to whatever it is he wants to say - without prayer requests, whining, etc, etc. Simply listen. Be still. And know. Revelation will come.

The Truth about me - and Discovering Self-Worth

The more I look at life in the past few weeks, the more revelations I am getting about my own views, what they were, are, what they should not have been and what they are becoming.

Everything has changed so much, and I am now altering my opinions, views and perspectives. And it has been God, all along. Gently prodding, showing me things with new eyes. It has been so far (it's not over yet!) incredible, although difficult, and I would like to continue sharing these things as God reveals them to me. Reluctantly, kicking and screaming, or quietly led - it really doesn't matter how, the truth of the matter is, if our perspectives need to change they need to change. We simply need to be willing (or at least partially!) for God to do what He wants to do with that. Another challenge. Oh how I enjoy these!
So, perspectives. Time for change. Time to look at things in a new way.  Here comes a deep one - hold your breath, and let's begin. It's very important. Please read carefully, thoughtfully, don't take offence, try to understand where I'm coming from, and just listen. You'll see things with new eyes too.


One of these perspectives I particularly want to address can be related to my recent illness, and all of the emotional struggles I have been having/discovering are problems, and these include my eating habits, my previous views on food, as well as the interesting eating disorder I had but didn't even know was there, ruling my life! And there is a lot more to it than that, and it is very, very important.

What I see now is that so much of what I thought and believed about things had to do with my perspective. My perspective - of me. Bear with me.
Yes, I am going to look at me. But this changes everything about everything.

Ask yourself this question - How do I see myself? (Why is this relevant? Because you are a person, and even though our lives revolve around God and other people, you are still you. Haha, you are the only you. There isn't another, you can't be anyone else. Goodness, it's mindboggling. Anyway, you are a person.)
So did you ask that question? And let me ask something else? Just how honest were you? Haha, nice try. Now, hold that question in your mind for a while - don't push it away, but do keep reading.
So it was my turn to ask that question. All of this mess finally came to the surface in a way I couldn't handle anymore, couldn't push down, couldn't stop crying. God, help. O God.
And it was time. Time to look at the real issues. So God asked that question of me. I asked me.

How do I see myself?

Honestly. To really ask.  Ask that question of myself. To truthfully answer -  I didn't really know.
Who I was, yes, well, I was me, Anna - and I that person was made complete in Jesus Christ. (My very identity was and is wrapped up in who I am as a Christian and how that makes me who I am. As a Christian, what I believe and think was based entirely around my relationship with Jesus. We were pretty close - my very being is in Him and everything He is.) But myself? Oh, I was unsure. I was me, yes. Haha. I was a person. But other than that, a little lost.


I also didn't really believe in myself. How do I explain that? Well, let's see. Not only does this eating issue disorder have more history than I will care to admit, it actually stems from my own views of me. I lacked confidence. Yes, I knew who I was, and people would often comment on the sense of 'peace' that eminated from my eyes (although that is sometimes a mystery to me, given what turmoil I have endured for the past few years) but inside, I was confused and, well, just plain lost. And I lacked confidence in myself. I did not believe in the fact that I really was a beautiful, incredible, and unique creation of God - they say that about everyone, don't they? What really made me unique? Or different? Why was I different? And oh, the constant battle of destiny, one that has plagued me for so many years. Basically a definition of the person of who I was would be to say that I was looking for my place in life whilst trying to live it, and be who I was. Whoever that was.
And the thing is, I sort of knew who I was. Sort of did, sort of didn't. But now. Oh, I see what I was lacking.

So, previously, I have a complexion with my oddly shaped nose, for goodness sake, and a disgusting skin condition on my face, terrible skin and a ridiculously curvy figure - anything physical was out of the question when it came to self-worth. Even when it came to who I was - my personality was a grey area. The way I saw myself was me as being a happy, enthusiastic, encouraging person who was only interested in everyone else, and loving them to my best ability, and that in itself is fine - in balance. But I was so busy doing that I had no time for simply being - and knowing me.
I am learning, now, about loving me. Oh, I tolerated me. Looking in the mirror, eh, yeah, okay today. I can pull something off. But always dissatisfaction with that fringe. It sits wrong. Those jeans are not quite skinny enough. Haha, or more, the figure inside those jeans. Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Yes. It Does matter.
It does. It matters so much. But I couldn't see that. In my spiralling world of keeping things together, pretending things were perfectly fine, I was destroying myself.
I wanted to be a woman - not a child, not a teenager, not just some girl. But I was missing something. But what?
Shame is not really something I have struggled with, apart from the bingeing, but it was there, in a small amount. Why, I don't know, and where it came from, I don't know. It was more dissappointment with myself. Which, really, presents a question - why are you dissappionted - what are your expectations?
I didn't know. What were my expectations of myself? Did I have any? Or was I just so busy moving on with my life and just being I didn't know I had placed any on myself?
We all have expectations - however reasonable (or not), regardless of whether we know they are there.
So what were my expectations? I didn't know. I was lost. I wanted to be a woman, but I struggled with my age, size, shape, weight (oh weight - it is more the figure than anything), height, looks, and what I thought I should look like. As I am sure we all do at some point in life, I wished to look different - brown hair, a little taller, certainly less curvature, less fat, more of a curvy nose, longer eyelashes.... but why? Because I did not like the way I was made.  I suppose that makes me seem ungrateful for the way God has made me - as though I didn't want the unique gift that Ha had made me - but I just wanted to be like everyone else, beautiful, in the same way they all are. All uniquely the same. Haha. So why did I want to be different? Because I did not love or accept who I was.

Accept, well, maybe tolerate, as though I had no other option - well, I don't, I can't exactly go get a nose job haha, though the thought crossed my mind... and trying to 'feel beautiful' with what I saw as a nose as ugly as mine just really wasn't a problem - alright if you're a monkey and you never have to see yourself. But I want to be a beautiful woman!
but You Are.
Yes God, you keep telling me. And it's all lovely, and so Christian, all this self-worth stuff.  And so unrealistic! Screw all this god's little princess nonsense, I am not that kind of beautiful, nor will be, so I will stop trying, and just be the best me I can be - inwardly, anyway, and focus on everyone else. They say beauty is on the inside, so that is how I will find my value.

How wrong you were.
Oh, how wrong, self. You truly didn't see. Who you are is who you see. It is who you believe in. It is why. 
I had such ridiculous views! I was really, really lost in them. And now I see. Like someone who has been awakened from a deep sleep. Wow. Just wow.
It is about how you see yourself.
It really is. I cannot emphasise enough. I have seen, simply by looking around at so many people recently, particularly women as I attempt to understand the process of entering womanhood, the huge power self-worth has over us - the way we see ourselves.
It is such an important aspect that affects everything. The way we carry ourselves, the value we place on ourselves, the way we see others - it all has to do with the way we see us. With How I see ME.  
What I think of me matters. It actually does. And what YOU think of you matters.
So why does it matter? Well, I would say that is obvious, but it isn't really. It matters because it defines the very person we become. It defines eternity. It defines our lives, our futures, our destiny.

It is also what determines how we react to what others think, say and feel about us.

I am reminded now, of a silly but very relevant quote from my favourite cartoon characters. The quote itself is out of the new Tintin movie- and is the scene where Captain Haddock pins Tintin down for quitting after the bad guy gets away with the map to the hidden treasure. What he says, roughly quoted:

"People can say of you, 'loser, stupid, you idiot, you worthless piece of lubber.  
But Never say of yourself, "I am a failure." Because what you think about you is the message you send out, that's what they will pick up on."

And it is so true. We hear it so often we drone it out, and forget the importance of the statement. It is truth. If I call myself a failure, or don't even call myself it, but carry that around on my shoulders, people pick up on that. They do. I will use the example of, say, when you see a person walk into a room, and he slumps his shoulders, and does not look up. One can immediately tell that person is burdened, weighed down, dissapointed - and ashamed. On the other hand, you also notice the difference between this man and an arrogant bikey who walks in with an air of haughtiness and looking for trouble. Yes, he is about to knock someone's block off, but he at least has the confidence to do it. That is, basically, what I am attempting to explain. He knows he can punch someone's lights out, and so he walks into a room with the attitude that he will. Because he knows he can. And that is where we must look at self-worth.
What do we know?
And what do we know about ourselves?

What do I know - or not know - about me?
I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what my value was in. Yes, in being a good person, perhaps. In being loving, caring, kind, compassionate, supportive, friendly, wise, understanding... and all of those are great qualities. But all of those are about serving others, and meeting other's needs, and attending to the wants and desires of other people. That in itself is wonderful - but if that is taking away from, or distracting, or preventing me valuing and looking inwards at myself, then again it becomes a problem. Another cover, another mask, another way of pretending everything is fine.
Now, let's see. A few things that I am discovering.

It is okay to look at me. Wow.

To look inwards, to look closely, and to look long and hard. Now to look, and evaluate. to be dissappoionted, that is the first thing. But why? Again with the expectations.
What else did I see? Sadness. Grief. Anger. Hate. Biterness. Sorrow. Shame. The feeling of unworthiness. Ugliness. Fat. Unattractive. Frightened.  Tiredness. All of that. Did you see any of that? Probably not. I am very, very good at hiding what is really going on, at putting on a mask - which most of you are familar with as being who I am - a mask which has the ability to not only disguise, but also to tell a very different story.
Now that I admitted to myself what I was, and was not, I suppose it was time to look at why, when I really got down to it, I was so dissappointed with what I discovered. And that, I learnt, (or am still learning) is about expectations.
I had no expectations of myself.
Good or bad. Nothing. I didn't look at me. Me, who was that? Me in Christ, yes, that's right. That's my entirety. Yes, it is, but there is more to it than that. So there, in bold, is the reason for all that. No expectations of anything. Why? Id on't understand, or know, why I had no expectations. Nothing. It is a curiosity to me. But now, looking at it, I can see just how well the enemy had me trapped not only in a sense of how I thought about myself physically, but also emotionally and mentally. I only saw myself as a person to help other people, not as the person that I am who needs helping. (Or not helping in the terms of neediness, but the fact that I am a person too, just as much person as that person I am helping.)
I am a person.
I have needs! I have wants, desires, and feelings. And I was not letting myself even be a person! I was not looking closely enough at me, and not even caring about how I felt about myself, let alone looking after myself properly. I am not talking just physically here, I am talking mentally, emotionally, and also spirituallly.
Because of the way I saw myself without realising I did (i.e. I felt dissappointed with myself) I was not able to meet my own needs. Sure, I respected myself and all that hooha. But I didn't really.

Now we get to one of the real issues.
 Self-worth. It defines who we are, how we see ourselves, and how others see us. So, I obviously didn't see myself as very valuable, because I was constantly questioning (or at least, now that I have looked at how I saw myself I was) my own value subconsciously. I see that now. I see so much now, of what has been hidden for so long, and what has been needing to change. I did not value myself, nor did I value my own uniqueness. Instead I tried to hide behind my mask and pretend I did care. Ah, the caring. Not caring has a lot to do with how we see ourselves. If we don't care about how we see ourselves, we are basically saying that our opinions mean nothing - that there is no point listening to what we have to say. And that's the thing. We all want to be heard - so telling ourselves it doesn't matter is the biggest lie ever. Ahah, again, another lie of the enemy. Sneaky little bugger.
The truth is, it does matter. Our opinion does matter, what we think does have an effect on something, and caring should be a priority. I should care. And its that caring that makes the difference.
I need to care about what I think about me.
I need to value me.
Very important. Not only do I need to create good expectations of myself, but I need to be able to live up to them. And that is a good thing! It is exactly what God intended, and to deprive myself of that is absolutely ridiculous - and again, the enemy wins at that point.
I need to care.
I cannot think well of myself if I don't care. You cannot think well of YOU if you don't care. Why do I need to think well of me? Why is that even relevant? What is wrong with pretending?
Because, at some point, if you don't care, it will destroy you. Or suffocate you. Or surface. Like it is doing now, for me. You cannot not care without consequence.   It is like neglecting cleaning out your swimming pool - eventually, it will become unusable and everyone will see it. (Or it will become disgusting and will turn people away.)


Body Image is one of these cares.

On a physical level, I felt so unworthy of being beautiful that I thought if I did pay attention to how I looked that would be vanity and pride - and that this is a disgusting personality trait I would be better off to avoid. Truth is, pride comes in many shapes and forms and being too proud to be vain is also a form of pride - it is just well hidden.

You need to care. You, a person, also need to look inwards at you, and stop running from the fear that you might/ and will find something horrible, and see what you are, and then look again.
And then look again. It is that next look, that new look, I will discuss in a moment.
First I want to piece togetger the body image as well, because it plays a huge part in all this.

My own body image was shot. When I looked at my figure previously I saw: short, unattractive, curvy, hippy, chunky, broad shoulders, a bent, unusual, ugly nose, terrible skin, bad complexion, pale blonde eyelashes that look ridiculous with mascara, the list is endless. And thats the thing.
I only saw what was wrong with me.
There - the enemy had me trapped in a spiral I would not admit was happening - one of negativity - and I was feeding that. How? Oh yes, I dressed well, looked appropriate... But it was more the way I avoided mirrors. Or cringed when I saw a side-shot photo of my nose. Again the dissatissfaction.
Now, because of the way I saw myself, the eating disorder was born. It was simply a manifestation of something that went far deeper.
This eating disorder, the bingeing, was not only about the control but it was about my weight. I will be specific about the weight itself because that is something I put far to much of a focus on.

So why did the weight matter? Well, it did. It does. I am going to elaborate in detail, so prepare yourself haha.
60 kilos. That was my weight, from the time I turned 15 - 16, and underwent  a physical change in shape - I grew hips, and padded to them, much to my annoyance. (I'm pretty sure it's normal... )
Prior to growing and changing shape, weight hadn't really been an issue for me as I could seem to manage a few kilos if I put them on - simply by compensating with a little more running or exercise. I also didnt really like food.
Around the same time I began my new job working the first veterinary clinic I volunteered at - this being my first job I was fairly nervous about doing things right - another time period which has been very influential in my life, however not always in a good way. One thing I particularly struggled with was confidence, and this was made worse at work where, whilst I struggled to grasp concepts about what I was learning, I also struggled with difficult staff and employers.
I also struggled with my shape and appearance, especially with my face and its skin condition (sores) being particularly noticable.
So I already carried shame, despair, dissatisfaction, dissapointment, fear of failure.
It was all there, hidden beneath the surface.
Now, back to the weight.
So they say weight itself is not the issue, that it is about being healthy and finding a weightt that is healhty for you and for your body. But the weight is an issue. We focus on it too much. On that one kilo, or half, or two. On that number. 60.5 kg - oh no, I am fat, I cannot ever lose weight, it never changes. Exercise more, stimulate appetite. Eat more. 59.5kg. Yes! I am finally getting somewhere. I am powetful, I can do this. Increase exercise. One day. A.other. Third day, forget, lose motivation. Despair. 61.5kg. Oh no! I have gotten fatter! I must try harder. Again, repeat cycle. This would happen for weeks. At the same time, I was also eating irrattionally and as a way of resolving stress. White chocolate. Meat pies. And then things I didnt even like, or really want, or need. Simply because they were there. Or on special. Or looked nice, so I cooked them. But never really needed. Oh, I can say no. Of course I can. I just don't need to.
Anf it was all hiding behind the fear that I would never be able to control (him again!) my size or weight, and there was the fear of being fat and unhappy and unattractive. In many ways that fear still lurks. But God will kill him yet. Now, where was I?
Oh yes, the weight. Looking at it now, there is no way 60kgs was overweight for my shape. Not excessively so. I had fat reserves, yes, probably 5kg too many, give or take, but for my size and shape, it really wasn't physically a problem.  I was eating too much and food that was not really what my body needed but size wise, there is no rational reason for that fear. Ah but there never is a rational reason with fear. Fear is erratic.

I made such an issue over the weight. It was an idol. And the truth of the matter is, I wasn't healthy. I was not eating the foods that would benefit my body, and as a result my body was also hanging onto any fat reserves it had - hence the neverending cycle. 
As well as the weeks that I would obsess about it, I also have periodss where I would get so discouraged and give up that I wouldnt think about it, and end up eating better, and not even overeating for weeks at a time - and staying at the same weight. Not losing it, but not gaining it either. And at those times the exercise also was healthy and balanced.
And then it would spiral again, triggered bu something emotional, my own struggles at the time, or seeing a photo of myself and feeling ashamed of those tighter-than-they-should be jeans.... I thought, if they were skinnier, I would then be attractive, and then I would finally be happy...
What a hideous LIE.
It really is. A lie of the enemy, swallowed hook line and sinker.
'If you're skinnier you'll be happy.'
The lie that satisfaction can found apart from God.
And apart from God's perspective - of you.

So there is the weight, the dissapointment with self, the shame and guilt and fear.

The figure, the shape. Then there was getting sick. And losing weight.
At first.
At first I put on a few kilos. 61.5kg I got to. I was devestated - terrified, in fact - that finally, I would get fat, it would overtake me, and I would not be able to control my size. I was almost a size 11, a thought so devestating to me, yet it seemed I couldn't do anything about it. Ahah - I reasoned! I could even go to the gym and make it behave there. I didnt want to become the commando but if that meant I would be fitter,and not get fat, it would be a last ditch attempt. So, now let me tell you that this is all fairly recent. Surprised? Hold onto your horsies - this renewing God is doing really is hot off the press.
So, all this was going down right about the same time as everything else (did I mention I have also been fighting depression for the last six months? Eh thats another topic)
And basically all fell apart right about Christmas time. Convenient, as we were all shuffling living over in Tamworth awaiting Abi and her popping outedness.

Ah so, the weight. At first, as I said, I put it on, and was shocked. So I got aggressive, picked on my arm flab, and started to work out on it - homemade weights and outside walks. Building myscle was surprisingly easy - I actually retained the muscle, for while - and I did notice that it looked better. Oh well, at least that sort of made me feel better about wearing a sleeveless top. Sort of.
And right in the middle of all that, I started getting sick with vomiting (well no, it had been in-off for about a month) and not tolerating food. Of course, the thought niggling in my mind was that maybe I was doing it to myself; maybe I was crazy, just a little, despite being unvoluntary vomiting. The weight started coming off, and to be honest, I was thrilled. Still eating normally, to some degree, and I was losing weight. Easy! 5kgs. Yes, I noticed the difference. Everyone did. I looked and felt better about myself for it. Again that nagging thought - maybe you are doing it. But what overrode that thought was the fact that I knew I was sick. Deep down, I knew. Something was wrong, and people were not taking me seriously. It was only when I kept losing weight that they did. 10 kilos. Yeah, people are gunna notice that. 15 kilos. Even I was beginning to get scared. When I was hospitalised the first time, I had lost 15 kilos over a 6 week period. If thats not rapid weigjt loss I don't know what is! Around the same time, the vomiting worsened, food tolerance issues became unbearable, and eating a real problem. I also just ate whatever because I knew it wouldn't stay down anyway. (Well, to some extent - some foods hurt too much) The vomiting was not self inflicted, I assure you, and it hasn't ever been (again, why would I voluntarily do that, its gross, and painful, and exercise is easier), but it meant that I was getting malnourished. Severely. I was starving. My body, wasting away. All my reserves getting used up. And eventually, it shuts down. That is the stage I was at when I first went into hospital. It had affected my electrolytes abd potassium - essential for normal body function.

My weight, upon entering hospital, was 46.5kg. Even I was scared. I could see all my ribs, my backbone, my hips, etc.
A lot of that was because I had no body fluid left either. Once I got on a drip, I put on abour 5 kilos overnight - something that occurred on both hospital trips.
The second, well really third hospital visit, I went home, and dropped again - to 44kg. Upon returning to fluids, I went back to being 50kg almost overnight. Its amazing what fluid can do.
Now, coming home, I have dropped weight again, but managed to stay a consistant 43.0kg for about two weeks - give or take a few hundred grams. The last few days, it has gone up and down all over the house - and I feel as though I am actually still losing body mass. I give up with weight at gastroparesis - they do not agree. So, well, I have lost a LOT of weight. Too graphic? I apologise. I must say, I did not know I even had this much to lose. It is amazing what the body can tolerate.
 I had put far too much importance on that number, on the weight itself. I am beginning to realise now just how much of it is actually about being healthy, not size and not a number on the scales.

And now, my feelings on my fat reserves have altered immensly. Why? Lets just say you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it. Firstly, I will never think the same about my figure again. I miss my hips, or at least partially! I miss having something up top, haha. Secondly, I get cold easily! I certainly miss being able to regulate my body temperature. It's also uncomfortable feeling your tailbone when you sleep and not being able to get your hips in the right position.

So why am I being so open about it? Because I believe it is important.

And now back to self-worth. It is time to elaborate. I already looked at what I didn't like. What I hated about me. About what I saw, both physically and otherwise, when I looked at me. I didn't like it. And now, and in the midst of being sick, I have seen so much. I have seen how wrong I was, and how blind I had been. Watching people, and seeing what I hadn't observed before, and discovering my old perspective come crasing down.

And then one day, I found this quote on a picture, and I stopped, and read it again.

You cannot look after what you do not love.

And it hit me. Just like that. Wow. Just wow. That is so true. I hated myself. I find everything wrong.
And why? Because I do not value me. I do not value me. Wow. Something to get my head round.
I need to value me if I want to love.

So how, and how could I gave that same satisfaction, and reassurance, and confidence in myself?
By choosing to make a few conscious decisions.

I need to LOVE me. Not merely accept, and certainly not worship or idolise, but I need to love, in the truest sense, my very oprson. Love is understanding, appreciation, acceptance, respect, compasion, trust, security.

I need to admire me. To hold me in high esteem.
I need to think well of myself.
I need to care what I think.
I need to find what I like about myself, and enjoy that.
I need to appreciate me.
I neef to want to spend time with me.
I need to like myself.
I need to love what I am, how I am, where I am.
I need to love what I have, not just tolerate it.
I need to fall in love with MY figure, stop wishing I had yours, and love the way that I am physically.
I need to feel good in what I wear - not vanity, but self worth
I need to be happy, satisfied with my uniqueness

I need to be happy with, to love, to appreciate, understand and enjoy the person God made me. Me. Not you. Or her. Me.
God delights in me, the bible makes that very clear. Now I need to delight in me too.

As a painter/artist, I must see it this way - as the creater of an artwork, I see all that was put into it. I know its many flaws. What you see is very different. I can choose to see only what is wrong, or I can delight in how well this piece of art turned out;  in what I DO like about it.

Instead of looking in that mirror and cringing, I need to look in the mirror and think - oh, that top is flattering with your face, and your hair looks lovely up. This is not me primping myself up, lying, or being vain - but rather, I am relearning how to look at myself and put positive, Godly affirmation into my life by allowing me to be comfortable in who I am!
Recently I have been learning just how important this is.

My expectations need to be good ones. I need not be afraid of looking at myself, not afraid of being vain, not afraid of things I cannot change. (Oh where is that courage lion?)

My expectations need to be:
I expect to be valued, treated well by people, respected, trusted, relied upon, understood, loved, admired and known by people - because I love me and who I am, I am confident that I am cherished and known and loved by the God of the universe, and I am WORTHY of the sacrifice of his son's life on that cross. Because he said so, I am worthy and have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus, and there is no questioning that.

I am loved. I am valued. I am beautiful.

And so now, now back to how I see things now, today. About my figure. I am going to learn to love it! One thing I discovered is that regardless of weight distribution, shape stays the same! I will never be a tall, skinny greyhound, so I may as well not live in denial and pretend it will happen - yes I have lost weight but the hips themselves haven't moved, so I had better stop hoping that will change - and accept, delightedly, the way I was made. I have hips! Okay, that is womanly. I should be thankful for my womanly figure - it is a thing of beauty.
About my weight. It's not about a number. Its about eating the right food that nourishes your body while also being allowed to enjoy the textures, tastes, and flavours. And white chocolate is awesome!
About my values and expectations. They are changing.
About my view of me - I am learning to love who I was made. And its exciting.


 - an old part of me has died, been destroyed. God has given me a new perspective. I am sharing that perspective.
And it will take time to build. But it is beginning.

And so. There ends one topic, and begins another.

But I feel that the above, all of it, is just SO important, and not just to me. This is a huge part of YOU. Stop right there. Stop running. I'm looking right at you. Look into my eyes. You. This is for you. All of what I have been through, yes it is my struggle. But I want to ask you, hobestly. Is it yours, too? Do you know who you are? And do you love you? I know iy looks like I am easily saying this. Well, I am not. It is with great pain that I do. But I want you to look past fear. And ask yourself - the same thing I asked me, when prodded by God.

Do you know who you are?

Another challenge I leave with you. Walk this journey with me? You are not alone. Do not fear.

Craft Projects For Maintaining My Sanity...

I have decided to detour, momentarily, from the intensity of my blog's previous day's topics, and post some photos of some crafts I have been doing over the past two weeks - just about the only thing that has kept me sane and actually doing something with my hands. (Oh, these hands)
Being unable to physically do much leads to a frustrated human being with a rampant mind - and craft seems to be one if the only ways to harness that.
Here are some projects.
I guess, in a way, these little things do bring purpose to a day - when one actually has the time, energy and inclination.

Hand-painted Acryllic Canvas, for my best friend xD

Salt -Dough Pendants - Hand-Painted

 

Wedding and Greeting Cards

 

 

 

 

 

Crochet Dog Leads/Collars

Banner Designs

 

a View on Fathers and Daughters

Looking at these words all I can think of is what it means to be a daughter. I think of my life until now and all of the things that have happened. And of always having my Dad there; the one to be the hero and save us from the various dramas that occur, the one who, along with my Mum,
praised a child’s attempts at drawing when it was nothing more than coloured scribbles.

One thing about Fathers, from a daughter’s perspective, is that, to some extent, they are the very air we breathe. They are the protector, the provider, in some ways, our strength. It is from them we seek wisdom and direction. While Mothers are just as valuable and special in their roles of teaching and guiding, a Father has the unquestionable authority that is ultimately what the daughter needs, whether she thinks so or not.

There is also something quite different about the relationship held between a father and a daughter. A father and son – they hold a bond quite unique and one that centres on their identity, manhood. And yet, the bond between father and daughter is no less special. In fact, it should be considered just as valuable. A father cherishes his daughter. He is her covering, her shelter, her provider, from the day she is birthed until the day she is wed. Unlike the son, who will leave his home and establish his own family, a daughter remains under her Father’s spiritual, God-given covering until she is given away to another man. This different kind of bond is often overlooked, and yet, could possibly be considered one of the most valuable relationships a woman will have in her lifetime.

Add to this something my own Father told me which influences the way I see Fathers and their Daughters. (My father has four children, all girls.) He said to me one day in our one-on-one conversation we had, “God showed me some things about you girls and spoke to me. He said to me, ‘Daughters are like precious gems.’ I treasure you and will not give you away to just anyone. My role as father is to bring the best out in you; to bring you up to be all that God intended you to be. To fulfill His purpose through your life. How can I avoid this responsibility?” So perhaps we can come to the conclusion from this that God really must have created something sweet when He wanted Fathers and Daughters to share this bond. In saying that, I am aware just how many daughters don’t have this bond with their fathers. This saddens me and makes me even more grateful to my wonderful God that I have had this experience throughout my life with my Dad. It also makes me think joyously of the beautiful relationship there is to be had with the true Father, the one who created this relationship as an example of what there is to be had. For there is nothing quite so meaningful, and of this I speak honestly, nor as wonderful as having that personal, Father and Daughter relationship with the creator of Love.

(as written for Bloomer's girl's email magazine)