Worn, Weary, and Fighting With God - Yes, I am Humanly Flawed

Oh, I woke up in a fine mood this morning. After having slept inthis strange routine of 4 hours sleep a night, my body was finally adjusting... and now, after having had a sleep from 9:00pm - 4:00am, the body is entirely wrecked and thrown out. This is partially because I have had to alter the amount of medication I am taking - on dcotor's orders of course - and it is yet again screwing with me.

This morning's thoughts were fine indeed.

Everything is meaningless. A chasing after the wind. What pessimistic thoughts.
My soul is troubled. A restless night. Thoughts I cannot place or understand seem to have tormented my dreams. I do not know which is better - to have no sleep or to have more and be so disturbed this way.
Why does it feel so strange?
Thoughts, fears, emotions, - and nothing. The cold grip of nothingness stares. But why?
I know the plans and purposes God has for my life are far greater than my own. I know they are there - and choose to believe and hope in them. So why this sense of unease, as though a question remained in the air, as though even these things are doubted?
God give me a revelation - my soul is in turmoil for no apparent reason.
It is uneasy - and I cannot place why. Or perhaps, yes maybe.
The search for the meaning of life.

Why have you troubled my thoughts all night? I do not even understand why this indeed is troubling me at all.
I know that God alone gives me purpose, a hope in Christ for eternal life and a future. So, why does my mind question the now? Perhaps that is it - it is easy to see an accept and believe that which is in the future, yet have no immediate direction or purpose for the now. Perhaps that is my struggle. Peraps finding meaning in toay seems so pointess and neverendingly the same. All so meaningless. Everyday, the same constant strugglr. Why?

So why, God, is this so hard? I admit I cannot control these feelings at which presently are seeming to overwhelm me entirely. I cannot make them stop and they seem to defy my very being. And then I get so angry, God. I cannot pretend I do not get angry - this is becoming a new thing to me - but I do wish I was not. I am so tired of this, my soul is troubled and I want to give up. There, I have said what I am feeling - angry, troubled and comfused. WILL THIS EVER END, GOD?
Forgive the emphasis. I'm tired. I'm worn. My heart is heavy. Words of a song I have come to know well.
Yet there has to be an end.

What can I do but cling desperately to the hope that there is a destiny and purpose somewhere more than tomorrow? What about today?
And I pray that I find meaning in today - instead of this endless turmoil. Oh God, my heart is faint and I am discouraged. Help me to continue this walking step by step without needung to see the bigger picture.
I cry. It never seems to end.

""Worn"
(Tenth Avenue North)

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left


My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn
 
Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn"


Story of my life. It just never seems to end.
Why God, why?
What is the meaning of all this?
Why do I question everything?
And why do you keep hope alive?
Why?

What is life, what is meaning?


- The book of Job. Maybe a little melodramatic, but given my mood this morning, it seemed fitting..

"²⁰ “Why is light given to those in misery,
    and life to the bitter of soul,
²¹ to those who long for death that does not come,
    who search for it more than for hidden treasure,
²² who are filled with gladness
    and rejoice when they reach the grave?
²³ Why is life given to a man
    whose way is hidden,
    whom God has hedged in?
²⁴ For sighing has become my daily food;
    my groans pour out like water.
²⁵ What I feared has come upon me;
    what I dreaded has happened to me.
²⁶ I have no peace, no quietness;
    I have no rest, but only turmoil."

-Job 3:20-26 

Why is light given to misery?

-

Call it an interlude. I spent the day in this strange frame of mind. Well, I suppose it is not strange. But I struggle so much. And it seems the better I get, the worse I feel for  a period of time.
So angry - I have been fighting with myself all day. I will admit, I am angry at God. Yet at the same time, I wish I was not. I knowhe can handle my ranting however so I do rant. Oh, I rant. I question Him, and in the same breath question my questioning him. I accuse him, and at the same instant declare that He is lord over the situation and that I know He has all intentions worked together for my good.
What frustrates me most is the ridiculous way I argue with myself and with God.
I feel like Job - in oh so many ways. Right now, my skin has broken out in the most terrible rash and I feel just as Job did - covered with weeping sores and afflictions.
Yet he would not curse God. He did not sin in all he did. He said even, God has the power to give and take away. I do not curse God. I am proud, yes, and angry, and I do question what he is doing  - but I pray that I may accept whatever that may be in the knowledge it is for my good.
And I still fight. Oh, this is so much  harder than I thought. Why am I so strong-headed, so stubborn, so difficult to change?! It frustrates me so how I can argue with God and declare him lord with the same breath. Oh me, oh self, oh oh. Why so human? God, am human, and flawed. And I hate that fact. But only you can change who I am. May I be able to allow you to.

If only I could get past this emotional roller-coaster!  I feel, feel, I am so tired of feeling! Yet God gave us feelings! Ach, there has to be an end to it all, some balance, some peace. Call me crazy, if you wish - I am simply discovering just how human, and flawed, I am. Oh it brings me to my knees. Ach, God, you have such a way of doing things. How you do it! Here I am again, on my knees. Again. And that's not such a bad thing.

Wow, reading that scares me a little. Please do not consider me an emotional nutcase! My life is a mess right now - that's no excuse - but maybe some of this venting/explaining/attempting to will bring sanity in the long run...

Ah, so, the trials of today. That aside, I actually achieved something - the washing up, and I even was ableto cook andeat my lunch like a normal person without having an emotional breakdown! Mashed potato gets a little old, but I am finding ways of altering its core ingredients to make it taste amazing! It makes all the difference. Plus cheese. Cheese is yummeh. It also helps to eat mashed potato on a plate with gravy - feels 'normal' instead of in a bowl. It does matter.

..... Tomorrow. Dread and hope all at once. Eh, let's just focus on sleep.

I will end with this verse.

"Why are you downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him - my saviour and my God"
- Psalm 42:5

~Anna