Part of me has to die today. Part of my old life, if not perhaps all. Some part of me has to die. All I knew has to be destroyed - before God can rebuild. It has to be taken away before I can have new. Old for new.
These are yesterday's thoughts. God was doing something then, and still is.
I
got desperate enough, to finally relent my control, and ask for
healing. I was so afraid of being healed, and of going back to what I
was in. I feared the eating disorder would return. I feared my
depression would return. I feared I would feel nothing. I feared I would
kill myself. I feared I would spend the rest of my life with all of the
emotional scars of the past, and prefferred to be sick healed of
these than to be well and carry my burdens, or worse yet, slip back into that pit. fear, fear fear.
But finally, I let go. And it hurt. And I was absolutely bloody
terrified. And the thought of not being healed and killing myself from
the madness of this all also plagued me. All day, in fact.
But I am seeing so many things now.
I have to be desperate enough.
God is doing something so much bigger
than what I can see. It is already affecting me, but also my family
hugely, and I know further. It is a ripple effect. It is like a stone, thrown into the water. After that first splash, comes one ripple. Then another, until it reaches the surfave of the dam. It is also like a root. Pull up one, and another will likely follow. Well, this has unearthed a very big tree.
God is
remaking me. Everything I am, or rather was, has been destroyed,
questioned, torn apart or repaced - and I am being given new perspectives. I have
just had to get to the point of allowing God to do what he wants to do with it all, in me, and letting go.
Oh and letting go.
Oh and I fear.
But God is for me.
Anna,
ReplyDeletethanks so much for your encouragement on my blog yesterday. Sorry I have not checked in, we both had bad days last week! I know the same struggle you are going through in this post. God is obviously using this experience for a purpose, to change you, to make you totally rely on Him alone for your strength. I really struggle with this too! I am really independent, I can generally figure everything out on my own. Unfortunately that is not how God has called us to live, but to live wholly dependent on Him through the Holy Spirit and Christ. Sometimes it takes a complete removal of our physical ability for us to get the message. Even then it comes slowly, every day it is a struggle. I am praying for you that you can continue strong.
Are you a part of a church? I would really encourage you to be if you are not! That is where I continue to find people to encourage me in the right way, towards God in my hard times.
How else can I be praying for you? Please update on how you are doing! One day at a time! God is for you!