And not healing. Sores and wounds of the past. Sometimes they almost go away, but they are still there. Always there. And when they do heal, always remain the scars.
Bitter reminders.
Of what do I speak? Of a few things, actually. One of these being a physical thing - I have, for as long as I can remember, always had sensitive skin. Getting rashes as allergic reactions to food, weather, touching
Things - is all fairly normal for me. I couldn't wear wool, it drove my skin crazy, was allergic to bottlebrush flowers, some dog and cat hair... The list goes on. Now add to this sensitive skin a condition, so to speak, of little sores. Before you jump to diagnosing it - no, it is not ecezema. I call it that to get people off my case. It is not acne, or pimples, or the amount of chocolate I eat. It is skin which does not heal, and often swells up in a pimple-like manner - at which point becimes infected, red, flaky, and itchy, and I am left with a mess -the worst part being the fact that it is on my face. I have always had it, and have tried many experiments to test for triggers - none of which have really proved to be successful. Applications of creams, ointments, washes, scrubs, and medications I have tried to a greater or lesser extent also - and all of these have been unsuccessful, if not more irriatating. So, Ihaven't tried anything with it for a while, and it was actually apparently starting to settle down. As well as this, I am curious to see if it has hormonal roots however, as I do notice some hormonal tendancies.
Now, the reason I am discussing this is because of relevancy - that and the fact that it has returned with a vengance over the past two weeks. Living with skin like my face is a very difficult thing to do - emotionally, and just mentally, it is a battle when you constantly question your appearance. Knowing your face looks as bad as it does, and knowing make up does not really alter things, and all this knowing you cannot currently change - well, at some point this does affect one's self eesteem, whether you want it to or not.
But physically, it drives me crazy when it is at its worst. I often awake at night and find that I have scratched a lot of my sores because they have been so itchy (hot weather does not help) and often moist. Of course it is dirty and bleeding and my fingernails often bloodied. It is very irritating sometimes. And one can't make an itch go away. One cannot 'just stop scratching' when it is so itchy, and has been, for so long. Yes scratching becomes a habit, but when that's the only thing you know...
Now, relevancy. Ah yes, my current problem is that it has returned. Only seemingly this time, as a result of the medication. These sores are blistering and weeping and actually coming up from the under the surface of the skin. There are no pimples to squeeze - simply sores and itchiness and pain. Its quite aggravating and obviously makes something like a town trip, in public, rather miserable. I seem to manage okay with the makeup - cover-up more like, however smooth skin certainly is not an option. Never really has been.
Ah yes - so where was I...
Indeed. Relevancy. Right now, everything is relevant. I have weeping sores that are coming up from the inside. Perhaps I can view this as an analogy - I have a disgusting mess inside that is finally coming out. No more, it cannot be pushed down. No more forcing those feelings away, no more just getting over it. I am not one to swallow tears, but these also cannnot be stopped. No more. History, it has a way of surfacing at inconvenient times. The past can no longer be ignored; it must finally be dealt with. Of which do I speak? Of no particular incident. I merely reffer to the huge collection of wounds that seem to be surfacing now. Oh and they hurt. They hurt. And irritate. But perhaps in the hurting comes healing. Perhaps there is an end, and not only do these wounds heal and form scabs, but maybe there is the hope that the scabs fall away - and not remain as so many other ugly scars have. Perhaps these scars will become lighter with time, and will not need 'covering' with a foundation or coloured creams.
I do hope. I hope, despite all this. Despite the fact that I am covered in scars, and always have been. I do hope. Some day, God will heal this affliction of mine - and renew this surface and underneath. Whether physically or spiritually, I choose to believe the healing will come.
And that the grossness of now will be but a breath in comparison.
This must be my purification.
I must be a very dirty vessel. But then think - I will be very clean by the end....
No comments:
Post a Comment