Written at 12:00-2:00 am this morning (Wed, 20 March 2013) after a day of complete and utter exhaustion of yesterday - even my emotional state was totally wrecked, and non-functional, hah. So very tired, is this poor body. Recovery will be long, eh?? Let the musings begin.
Food is not even the issue. It is about control.
I will lie here and pray.
And I will accept this. Not because I do not think God cannot change circumstances.
But
I cannot be in denial forever. Today, right now, I cannot eat normal
food. It is something I will have to accept. I must find a way in which I
can still enjoy the food I can eat - and stop lamenting all of my
losses. I am certainly not of the opinion that this will be easy - I am
also sure that grief, until dealt, with is a cyclic thing - so I know all
my old fears and dreads will resurface. But perhaps I can find
consolation in thinking that someday, regardless of what the future holds, I will be not only able to see food in a healthy light, but
also have had my perspectives altered on what is actually important in life my proirities and opinions - I
can see God is aready doing that now.
I say food is not really the issue, but it is and it isn't. In a
physical manner, food only sustains our bodies for the short period we
live on this earth - then we die and it is of no more importance than
the same dust we were both formed of - physically speaking. I could go
into lists of the importance of food on a deeper level - and to some
degree I will.
Firstly though, please do not think that I will, from now on hold views that all food
is evil and that the enjoyment of it is sin. I could not, and it is a
crazy thought. Obviously I do and will continue to struggle with the
object for this moment in time - and will be subject to emotional
triggers and reactions because of that. But I do not wish for you to not
enjoy your food, an dI will certainly not despise you for taking pleasure in it. I
daresay I will only despise myself and the food.
So, food. It is not bad. Not only does it provide us with nourishment,
but it provides us with the experience of taste, and pleasure! And that
is good, and pleasing, and God has given us taste buds and flavours, and
the ability to cook and grow food - an endless list of blessings.
Now, there has to be a way for me to accept (for this time, for today,
without worrying about tomorrow, yet not in denial of reality) my own
circumstances of what I cannot change - and be satisfied, no, find
pleasure in that. This will be a challenge, I know, but I must make the
most of what I do have, and let go of what I cannot alter.
Perhaps my list of good tasting food is considerably small. Food I can tolerate right now, that is. And it will take time, and
experimentation, and pain and failure, and anger, and dissappointment with
that food - but there will be and end to it. Even if that end is not me
being able to eat 'normal' food as I want - but being able to enjoy that
which I can, with a new mindset.
So, I mentioned food is not really the issue. When you look at it (okay,
when I look at it) physically, as I stated, it only sustains us. Now I
shall look at it deeper. These may or may not be your views, that is ok.
Right now I am merely explaining some of my own findings - about
personal discoveries. Maybe they are the same or different for others.
Maybe not.
Okay. Food. Emotionally, what does it represent? Control. In many ways,
perhaps this is my very battle with God. Perhaps food is merely a
surface issue, a strand of a root. So why control? And why is it represented, for me, by food?
To be honest, I am not really sure. Perhaps in my love affair with
food, I was comforted with the knowledge that it was there. Always
available, to be enjoyed.
But the eating of it - and I notice, the cyclic eating/bingeing of it I
did - all triggered around those days and times when things were or were
not going well. Stress related, perhaps. Haha. So this control - or
apparent lack of it when I ate all the white chocolate - has something
to do with my own ability to cope, or not, with difficult circumstances.
In our anguish, we always turn to something. Good little chistian me,
that something I tured to was always God, no? Double haha. It would be ridiculous to pretend that I turned to God each and everytime I struggled - and I know I am only human and the rest of you fail here too, haha. In my case it was food. I only see
that now. Food, for me, represented escape, temporary relief from that
stressful tafe assignment, and despite the following repercussions of
guilt and shame, it was seemingly worth the momentary freedom felt enjoying
something that was probably 'bad' - which made the enjoyment better, the
guilt worse.
So when I ate, I was in control. I was in command of something. No I
wasn't! Not being able to stop eating all that chocolate is not control -
it is a false sense of it. Temporary, followed by guilt and disgust.
And then bashing one's self up with one's poor christian discipline - well
indeed.
So, this bingeing/eating discovery of mine is relatively new to me (
I do not have anorexia, chillax) I believe it has had a stronger hold
on me than I would admit - and I am also discovering what a huge issue
food, eating, weight gain/loss, body image and self-value is in many ways for so many of us - but the issue is aways so well
disguised - and there is such a desperate need for freedom here in so many areas of
peoples lives. But that topic is not for today. Do expect to see more
discussion on the matter, however - it needs adressing eventually.
Control. Food. And me.
I controlled food, so I thought, when I ate. Perhaps it controlled me. Okay, yes it did.
Now that I have lost it, food has upset me to emotional levels In a way I never thought possible. Ah, but why?
Because it is about my fight for control of something. Be that stress, circumstances, something - and anything.
So what can I do now? Well. God is showing me. I can hold onto it. Or I
can let go. And not simply let of the food - this is merely a representation
of something deeper.
Now that I see my desperate need to control
something, I must be able to let go of that need, of that searching (not
simply transfer to something else), admit that I cannot control
circumstances in life (for my entire life, and should stop trying to),
and relinquish my hold on anything. Then perhaps I might be willing to
admit to God that I cannot control anything, and ask that he might give
me the grace to allow me to be willing to give him that control. Notice I say willing - that is the hardest part of it all - not just seeing the
need but wanting to change that - and being able to. Eh, is hard.
But being willing to give all of that control - in its entirity - to God.
This thought is absolutely terrifying on many levels, yet I know that it is essential.
Now,
because of this, a minor thing like food, I see my own need to
relinquish something that is not mine - nor should be mine. Control.
You know, I post this post here second to a post I wrote yesterday morning on dog training and
the control of dogs. I find it interesting, and ironic, the opposite ways these two topics seemingly work out. In Kaelen's case, I am discussing the
importance of having that control over him as a dog, as it affects his
ability to work and function, and trust, and my own ability to get done what I need to do with a dog that obeys.
And here I am also explaining the way God is having me hand over my own control of a situation and life I cannot handle.
As I said, I find this paraellel very ironic - perhaps the way in which I must trust
and hand ovrer control is not dissimilar to the way in which dear Kaelen will learn to
trust and be controlled by his master. It is a cery interesting
thought.
Well, I am by no means completed in my thoughts, nor am likely to be. There are so many swimming around in my mind, but again, taking each day as it comes is the biggest battle of all. One day, one step,one fear at a time. All so overwhelming and changing, and unpredictable and scary.
But
I do challenge you - it is easy to watch as I go through such an
obvious relinquishing of my own control of things and circumstances I can do little about - but now I must be
bold enougn to push a little deeper, and perhaps, dare I put this question in your mind today... If you are reading my struggle and watching me suffer (haha) then you are subject to my opinion too =D
So, dare I ask, for you, if it is not food, what is it? Sobering thought.
And now food. And eating. Erch.
~Anna
Anna, this is such a great post and one I can totally relate to! I was just talking to someone about this very subject on Monday night. If I ever had a food idolatry problem, it sure is gone now! I only see food as fuel, an unfortunate necessity. I think our culture as a whole has a food idolatry problem! We spend so much time and energy and money on such a simple thing. I do not think it is supposed to be like that. Now, like you said, this does not mean enjoying food is sin. God gave us the earth and its food to enjoy. But the mindset needs to be in the right place. We were not created for food, but food for us!
ReplyDeleteI love that you turned this struggle into an opportunity to challenge people. That is so great and encouraging. Keep pushing through. One day at a time!