Monday, 18 March 2013

The The Struggle of Today - Maybe it Differs, Maybe it Doesn't.

Why is it so hard? Today just doesn't seem to end.

Today and tomorrow and all the after tomorrows. I am trying not to dwell on tomorrow, not to worry about what I cannot change. Trying and failing.

I wish this wasn't happening to me. I want to wish it all away - to pretend it is nothing - I reason it is nothing - but it does not change anything. I want denial so badly, yet everytime I wish it away the reality comes pouring in.
I don't want to be feeling this way over something so simple. Is it simple? I do not know. Perhaps it is over-complicated.
I hate this right now, and am angry at feeling. Oh feelings. Why you?
I am so frustrated, confused, angry, burdened and tired. Why?!!!

Forgive me, dear reader, for such pessimistic thoughts. I feel like dear old king David wrote while he was despairing in the desert - unable to see the light and unendingly frustrated with the fact that he could not change his circumstances. Fighting - for his very life - and fearing.

I am so tired. Oh so tired. Tired of this emotional roller-coaster, of struggling so hard yet going nowhere. All I do is cry - and try to remind myself that there are eternal things I should be seeing that it is not what you put in your mouth that matters. It upsets me so much that I cannot handle this food issue and am drowning in the mess of it all.

I am grieving food. I hate that it is an issue. I do know that someday it will resolve, and I will be able to view food with a healthy perspective - whether that is a new way of eating from now on, I do not know. But today, I struggle.

The stages of grief.

Denial. - Oh yes, you are there. I want to pretend none of this matters.
Bargaining. - and avoiding.
Anger. - So Angry. At self, food, circustamces, the reality and unfairnessof it all.
Guilt. - For the way this issue cycles around and around, and of not being able to handle it.
Depression. - The fear of tomorrow looms.
Resolution. - Yes, this will come. Unfortunately it takes time, and often each stage may be relived.

So why am I grieving food?
I don't know. I just know I am. 
Regardless of whether I choose to or not, I am struggling to accept something that is way beyond my control.
It is SO hard. Obviously food was a big, BIG stronghold in my life before now - certainly a bigger idol than I thought. You jnow, we don't realise just how much we depend on something until it is gone. I suppose it is like someone having their arm amputated. You do not appreciate it fully until you are made to do without it.
I do not know why this is so difficult for me at the moment. Not being able to eat makes me cry all the time - to look at food is devestating, and to think about it or smell it worse still.
Actually, I have the feeling that this issue with food is only the very surface of some horrible, ugly monster. In fact, I am sure of it. That's pretty scary - If the food itself is this much of a problem, what is this demon going to look like?

What frustrates me most is the fact that I cannot physically stuff it down anymore. I just cannot - which leaves me looking like an emotional wreck. This inability to handle my mess is really, really, really hard because I cannot stop it. Christian or not, I have issues, and the reality (oh stupid reality) of now is that I cannot deal with it. I'm a mess. Blah. And its ugly.

God is obviously doing something in relation to how I deal with problems and issues in general.

If I am not supposed to 'cope', where does that leave me? Oh so voulnerable. And maybe thats a good thing. Maybe this is God's way of stripping back the onion skins layer by layer. I cannot cover it back up again. Erch.It stings. It hurts!

Which leaves me in a messy situation. How do I cope? Can I cope? Does all this mean that I will be stripped bare to the point of exposing everything to God? Everything? 
Actually, it does. It seems it has already begun to come to that.
And how do I allow God to do this painful heart surgery without fighting or fearing it?

I am so confused, frustrated, I want so many answers. I want to fix this now and have my old comforts back. Security, control. I want that. It's all about cotrol. About who is in charge. Oh, I desperately want that control.
But God doesn't. He has something far better in mind. And I, like a naughty child, hang onto the only thing I know, be it good or bad - with screams, fighting, and anger.

Yet God is slowly, gently prying open my clenched, hard, white fingers. What on earth could He have in mind, I wonder? And will I be able to let go? It is all so horrifyingly real.
This is real. I have to let go. I have to give him everything. Well, I don't HAVE to. I can keep my old broken toys.
But maybe, just maybe, my father knows me well enough to know what is good for me. Maybe I should trust, instead of fight.

Maybe I must.

There. Oh my, the core issue. It is simple, and plain for outside eyes, as well as my own.

I have to let go.

Simple, you say. Maybe you don't. it doesn't really matter.
But there it is.

And it is so scary.

Here we are again though - do it afraid. Courage. Stand. And let go.

So there it is. Today's struggle. It sucks so much, feeling this way, and not being able to change it. It hurts so badly. It never goes away, or at least does not seem to. I cry so often, and hate myself for it.
It seems so endless and hopeless and dark.

But God. Oh But God.

This morning, during my early bird session, and by torchlight, I made/painted myself this "Courage Lion". God has been speaking to me, over and over and over again about this inthe past few days - courage is doing it afraid. Doing it anyway.

Doing what? Standing. And Letting go.
Not knowing what tomorrow may bring but stepping into it anyway. Believing that God WILL work all things together for my good.
Accepting what I cannot change, but also not being destroyed by the unknown.

And crying.

Here is my courage lion.

He is a necklace pendant I made, to wear as a symbol to remind this faint heart of the power of courage.

In addition he is joined by this very applicable verse:

"Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart as you hope in the Lord."   - Psalm 31:24


  1. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go". Joshua 1:9

  2. Anna, I am thankful that you found my blog over on wordpress and that it may have been some encouragement to you, even in a small way. Your post here is something that I relate too so well! Discouragement, disappointment, confusion, anger and tiredness! But, as I mentioned on my blog, there is hope in Christ. Now it is so much easier to say than it is to have it affect the heart, but it is a daily struggle to be sure. I still do not know why God would give me this illness, or why He would give it to you. But I do know He is in control and this is not outside of His will. That gives me the hope to push on.

    If you are not connected to a strong, loving, Bible believing Church I would say that is your first place to start! I am going to write a post on just what it means to me to be apart of a good church where people care for and encourage me through this. Please let me know how I can be praying for you and encouraging you! We are in this together as believers in Christ. Our terrible illness brings us together even more! Keep going strong, one day at a time.

    1. Daniel,

      I am excited, as I said, to have found your blog - it certainly makes me feel just a tiny bit better knowing I am not alone in the troubles of my now, and the horrendousness of today. Haha.

      I also do not know why God allows what He allows or uses what He uses - I only pray that regardless of whether I understand or not, I am able to accept his sovereignty and try to grasp the concept that He does indeed work all things together for my good - something I seem to struggle with all too often.

      Hopefully we will become good friends through our communications as fellow sufferers (oh pessimism, haha!) and be able to strengthen and encourage one another in our struggles. I pray we will be able to support one another in a real and helpful way. If you have any particular requests also, feel free to ask. I will keep my eyes on your blog and comment as I feel led. =)

      One day at a time, oh, wait until you hear about my terrible day, haha. Watch out.