The Here and Now - Reality.

I am not really one for writing up huge long lists of personal information and have long ago given up writing pointless waffle, because that is all it is... But! I do feel as though I may be making a few exceptions to my own rules, so to speak. Now is the time to take the leap past wondering what some might think and begin writing anyway. Because I need to.

I do feel as though I need some sort of beginning point of reference though. As some of my friends may or may not know, I have been very sick of late. Now I do not intend to write nonsense simply in that regard, but I am going to include this for a few very important reasons.

1. Because of this, my life has drastically altered. Not just physically, but all I know is being turned upside down, and shaken apart - and I am beginning to have to form new perspectives and, although I am often unwilling, God is slowly working away at my ideals and motives. So, why is this so important? Because basically, because of circumstances I cannot change, physically, and much further, I cannot alter time nor change what has happened. I do not intend to turn this into a whining session but the truth is, this is reality for me right now, and regardless of the varied opinions of others (none of which I disregard of course) this is the now. Bear with me while I try to explain some of my new struggle - and in a way that might help some understand what and how. (Nevermind the why, I do not even have priviledge of knowing that, thanks God.)

2. God is obviously up to something in my life right now. It's pretty messy, and as I mentioned all my own thoughts are beginning to alter and I am having my thinking changed big time. Why, I don't know. God must have decided it was time for a character purification. They say that 'the fire does not destroy, it only refines.' I am beginning to learn just how painful that is.

3. We are all, in some ways or other, wrong. No bashing intended, but it is time for me to see my own heart attitude and its apparent need for change. It is amazing how much of what we believe should be what we base our lives on. I will elaborate on that later, to some degree. God is certainly changing my perspective here on things I didn't even know were important or wrong - simple things like what I value, appreciate and enjoy - and most importantly, why. Prepare to have your motives changed (as I am having mine) during the next few times I write about these many revelations.

4. This is going to be difficult. My life has hardly just started and I am not going to write years of history - but I do feel that this is a turning point in my life and this 'journey' or 'struggle', so to speak of mine should be recorded, in sorts. I really do feel that perhaps some of my writings will, in time, be beneficial to someone, even if they are just browsing google for articles. My friends or complete strangers, I hope, pray and believe this is something God is going to help me do.

5. I am taking experience and learning from the problem, but not dwelling on it. I will use a mountain, or a valley as an example. It is so hard to see the end of the road from where you are, be that the beginning , middle, or even close to the end. Let's say this will be my journey following that barely visible glimmer of hope.

6.  There has to be an outcome from this. God does not allow suffering for no reason and despite everything, I want to believe (and will, I hope in time) that there is some huge, great purpose that I am, of course, not seeing in this small picture. The big picture. Iam reminded now of a verse which God actually showed me this morning. 

"I cry out to God most high, to God, who fulfils his purpose for me." ( ~ Psalm 57:2)

So I must believe that this means he has got a purpose and that it is there working away somewhere, regardless of if I can see itor reason with it.

7. I am not simply being a drama queen! This is real, and hard, and while my troubles are not any more terrible than anyone elses' , they are still going to be a part of who I am, who I have been, who I am becoming and my future as a Christian, person, etc. My only hope is that my sharing is uplifting and something good comes from it.

Yep, I think that may have actually finally ended. There is so much more I could and, am sure, will eventually say, but as a little introduction I hope and pray it is sufficient. For those of you who do make the effort to read through my revelations and thoughts, thank you. It is something I am not doing lightly and is all new to this character building business that God is up to. Much appreciated.

~Anna