Barely Surviving, I am Not Coping. Everything is Falling Apart.

It's time to write. Get ready, because here it comes. Bear with me, please be empathetic, forgive me for complaining, and absolutely leave feedback.

I am not even really sure where to begin, only that begin I must, and that, well, there is never really a better time than the present! So, at the time of writing, now, it is 3:00 am which, to some, is just bordering on night owliness and, yep, well, most people would not be doing this anyway, but they would certainly be asleep! Well, I am not, and since beginning taking certain prescribed steriods which are supposed to be aiding my current stomach function (indeed they actually are -  the vomiting is more controllable and less severe and physically these are more effective than the last lot of drugs) I have not been sleeping! My new regular sleeping pattern is to go to bed at 9-10pm, wake up at 12:00am (where I need to go to the bathroom - for whatever reason, I also seem to need to go every two hours at the moment, not sure if this is simply positioning of the stomach contents, side effects of the medication, or both, but it is unbelieveably frustrating and I feel like a leaky old dog, haha), sleep till 2 - and then from 2:00am I am as awide awake as any dear owl you did see, and cannot for the life of me attempt sleep - so I don't try. From 2 onwards is my new 'time' for spending time with God, having a daily breakdown/piece together God session, journalling, drawing, thinking, writing emails (if anyone wants a long message written at 2am, I would love to comply) and writing up thoughts which will likely end up on here.

Now, this has basically been part of my day for at least the last week, and if you could call that sort of thing routine, I suppose one could say it has actually stabilised out. Well, yeah. No.
So all of this morning experience, and spending time with God I have been getting has been fundamental to each day, and the mountainous task of getting through each one.
It is so hard. No, I am not dying a terminal illness, but the amount of effort that is required to live, as I mentioned before, is almost not worth living it. And boy, I am struggling.
And then there was yesterday. I don't know what happened. I don't know that I ever will understand what happens when it does. It all fell apart. It really did. And I am not sharing this because I want to say that my day was worse than yours, or that I should be pitied. I don't even truly know why I am sharing this - I suppose part of it is me going,

"Hey, anyone out there? I'm struggling with this particular thing and knowing that someone supports me is all I ask - does anyone feel like telling me? All I need is for you to smile genuinely and tell me that yes, it will be ok. Not because you are an optimist, nor because I want or need a sympathetic pat on the head, but because you believe it, and know that evetually, despite everything, I can too."

Wow, there it is. I am being voulnerable, scared enough to ask for support. Independant, self-reliant me, I never thought I'd see the day. Well well. 

My yesterday. It fell apart more than normal. Everything came crashing down on me. I had been barely managing each previous day on a general level - just setting up my mind to choose to have a life-giving day, instead of a miserable, overwhelmingly depressed one - and even and that was hard. Just physically, I am too tired to get out of bed before 9:00am. Once I do, it is the long slow process of getting showered and up and moving (physically even washing my hair is a huge effort, and let's not even mention what happened when I couldn't shake up the shaving cream bottle because of how exerting that is - and the repercussions for my legs!), and then, so to speak, the battle begins. I have to eat. At the moment, eating is a really, really, really big problem, on many levels. I cannot really change that right now. Physically, I vomit everytime (not maybe, always) I eat anything more than a spoonful. This means sitting down to have a meal involves a few things - time, space, lots of water, and a nearby toilet. Oh and did I mention food? Eh.
So, once I have downed and returned breakfast (usually very thick milo, because I cannot drink large amounts of milk, and ice cream frombreakfast is not good, nor is spup or mashed potato haha), I spend the next half hour drinking tea or water, eating a lot of jelly beans/sugar as I am badly needing a sugar hit by this time, and throwing up the remainder of my stomach contents. By this time my stomach aches and aches, and I get bad cramps - so any kind of moving activity is out. Basically then I will go and sit and do craft of draw, etc. I quite enjoy these times - they are something different to do and take my mind off the annoying belly ache.
One thing I can tolerate throughout the day is my jelly beans. Sometimes, they come up. Mostly a few at a time stay. I love these guys. I know they are pure sugar but they have been so wonderful to me. I am in love with jelly beans right now, haha, as they are about the only thing I can chew that dissolves. One thing I miss is being able to eat hard, crunchy foods like chips, and being able to chew food.
Then I spend the rest of my day avoiding food. I try not to think about it, and eventually attemp to force another meal down, but it is such an effort to eat knowing you are about to throw it all up and that depending whats in it, it will hurt coming back up - and then afterwards in the form of a weak, aching back and gut from the effort if spewing. Unfortunately, I cannot just not eat, because I am going to starve. As in,even a day of not eating has a very detrimental effect and I go backwards healthwise - and hospital looms an inch closer.

This all sounds terribly depressing, doesn't it? So thats just one aspect of my day - dreading eating and being hungry, throwing up and aching, knowing that I am not nearly getting enough to eat and fearing ending up just as sick back in hospital with no strength and being put back onto the drip. Add to that foods that do not agree and make acid, as well as the endless mashed potato, soup, ice cream, cream and the flavours one can add that are tolerated - and you have a fine mess. Add to that fine mess being sick and tired of eating mush, of food not tasting like anything, of soup not being nice warm, of watching other people eat their food happily and enjoy it... And I have a cry at mealtimes.

Wow, what a winge session! Forgive me, I have not even started on why yesterday was so bad! But! Let me rant for a bit longer and I promise I will get to the good. For there is good, however small.

Yesterday. (I have to pee, newsflash, just to lighten the topic for half a second! Getting up too quickly makes me dizzy, never run to the loo at night before sitting up first - or you and/or the cupboard will inevetably suffer.)

I cried all day. On and off, whimpery little sobs as well as 3 or 4 full on bawling sessions. What a mess. It was, pretty much, just everything I'd been fighting with just came all out at once - like a horrible ugly pimple. No more I can handle this, no more stuff it down, no more deal with it later. I felt like Raelee having a temper tantrum and the way how she gets so upset she loses it and cries uncontrollably. I felt hopelessly out of control. But I am learning that is apparently exactly where God wants me. Argh.

So, what surfaced? Part of me wants to hide it all away, 

But part of me feels compelled to write this anyway. One thing I do ask, though. Please have empathy. Please try to understand why right now I feel how I do, that wish I didn't, but cannot change that. Please be there for me. I'm a little scared at sharing so much. Please do not pity me. I do not want pity, a pat on the head or to be told 'it'll be ok'. If you say that, I will bite you. Haha. Get real.

So, what came up? These are just some things.
My life. My plans. My dreams, my hope, my futre desires, intents and everything I ever want to do. Everything has changed. I cannot, and will not, ever be the same again. I am trying to see this as a blessing, as a good thing. That's not so easy. I am not talking about my illness here at the moment, simply that God has revealed that so much of what I had known or thought about everuthing may not be right.

Back to my life. On the very surface of things, all my plans for this coming year have changed by circumstances I have no controll over. (Being sick for so long might have had soemthing to do with it.)

My tafe has gone out the window. I had intended to complete my cert IV before july, and be hopefully on the way to getting my 'foot in the door' where I am working now and being able to hold down a job that I love and enjoy. *I had planned that. Now, well. My tafe teacher and work have been extremely wonderful and allowed me to continue both working through my tafe assigmnents at my own pace, but also working for the remainder of the year and slowly getting my skills signed off.
In terms of my course, I am still able to do it by the end of the year and it will work out okay - I will get to finish it - but it certainly was not how I had it planned.
Knowing that my teacher and work are not worried about when and how I get it done should take the stress of things away, but, as per usual, I am expecting so much from my own working ability and am frustrated at the untouched assignments - my brain just isnt working, either. So, tafe, or at least, my agenda for it,  out the window.

Now Kaelen. This may not be a big deal to some, but to me it is. I have not been able to train him the way I wanted to. I have such plans for him, being my first real experience inthe world of dog training (it has always been a goal of mine to train a dog to do something) and I have so many ideals, theories, and goals - none of which are unreasonable and we will get there - but the how is changing. It has been an incredible blessing, however, in the way how the last few months of his important puppy impression stage (which I was so worried about doing right, because this stage makes or ruins a good dog) in terms of people here. Because I have been away I was not able to bond with him as I wanted to, as result he has become a dog for dad, myself and ria the farmer - which in the long run will be hugely ideal because he will need to obey and work for them mores than me.  I am also reminded that I prayed for this pup, felt God give him to me in the knowledge that he was 'the right one', and dedicated him to God upon his arrival - so, inevetably, whatevere comes our way next, it will work out, even better than I had planned.

I am really only scratching the surface here of top issues, the others are so scary.

My art. I had plans, oh I had plans. I was going to get my online comissions business up and running this year, website, paypal, professionally and all - and have a sense of accomplishment of making my own money because I cannot find a paid job (and certainly will not be able to get one for a while now) and be doing something with my time. I had planned so much into how I would do this, and a lot more. Now, like everything else at the moment, my art is up in the air too.
Because I have been sick for so long my body is weak, and these days my hands can only handle so much before they cramp, become unresponsive and anything I am drawing becomes a wobbly mess. This is SO upsetting to me because then I attain an unreasonable fear of the thought of perhaps not being able to draw properly again. Not being able to express my inner artist would be an end to me, I am sure of it. This scares me so much. So, my art and creativity, and not being able to do what I want to because I physically cannot is an issue.

Now for some scarier issues.

The big one. This is one that makes me cry all the time.

Food.

Bear with me, I know you are sick of hearing about it. So am I. But I cannot escape it.
I have loved food all my life. When I turned 16 I began a love affair (haha) with the tastes, textures, sights, sounds, and smells of food. Baking was a passion of mine, until I got busy with other things. I loved the art of creating and enjoying food.
I also had a binge eating disorder, which was so subtle I did not even know it was there. In fact, it is in only being sick now that I have discovered it was/is a problem at all. (just note that this is not the reason I am sick, haha)
It is something I will have to adress at some point in the future - but again, another one of those dark horrible issues brought to light by something else. They are often so deeply buried it takes something major to be able to expose them.

Back to food. I really do love it. This is why the idea of doctors thinking I was deliberayely anorexic was so hilariously rdiculous to me. Did they realise that I had tried before, on occassion, to starve myself after bingeing but that I loved food SO much I could never ever not eat for half a day? Overexercise was more my problem. It still makes me laugh. Vomiting is not something I have chosen to do for the last 7 months - and it is absolutely beyond me why anyone would choose to inflict that on themselves willingly.

I still love food. But now I also hate it. I hate it so much, as times. I have a love hate relationship with my food, what a laugh!
I hate seeing food in woolies and thinking, "I cant eat that, or that, that hurts, that looks nice, I wonder if that would be wirth the pain for the taste...." And then those horrible little thoughts the enemy fills our minds with - like seeing something (food, in my case) and thinking, "Will I EVER be able to eat that again?" Thoughts like that are usually my undoing. It is easy from an outsider's perspective to say 'stop thinking about food' or 'get over it' or 'just eat'. Things that upset me more are comments like 'why eat ir at all, you're only going to throw it up and waste food anyway'. Eh that stinks.

Wow, this is really hard, but I am actually feeling a huge release right now, talking about this. Praise God - I can think about food and I havent teared up yet.

Now my favourite food. Meat pies. I love them. Hot, cold, frozen. They are absolute rubbish nutritionally but sonderfully textured - the pastry, flavour, mmmm the meat. With cheese and bacon, even better.
I cannot eat meat pies. The pastry, for one. It is wheat, and fat, and dry, and digests slowly. The meat for two - it is made up of fat and grsitle and acid ingredients, and becomes very upset with my stomach. The agony caused by a meat pie bellyache is unbearable. Oh and did I mention it is solid food? Yeah no can do. I so badly want to eat one, but cannot. I have a few options as to how to deal with it.
I could buy one from the bakery, deny the fact that a cannot digest or tolerate the stuff, gorge myself, eat one anyway and regret it for the next 3 days. I daresat it would be not worth the effort. Sad.
Or I could move on, and find a new favourite food. That's a scary thought,that means change.
I could lay down my 'idol' and stop worshipping it, and find and appreciate a new flavour in a new food in a new way in this new season. I could.
Or I could become bitter and angry and loathe meat pies for etenity and be unhappy. Hmm. Tough choice.

Back to food. You know, I feel better already. Wow.


If you want to stay my friend, haha, this next part is really important! You need to read this =D

It is really hard, at the moment, for me to watch people eat. We do not realise it, but so much of what we do socially revolves around food. It is not only an idol in many ways, but I am beginning to see how much value we put on food can be very unbalanced.
Socially, we link spending time with people around food. Coffe catchup, family reuinions, family mealtimes (which is healthy, but this is the time for when the family reunites so to speak, after the events of the day), holidays, events, birthday parties, morning teas, celebratory meals, even a sunday church bbq - the list goes on and on. I am not bashing these at all, merely pointing out how much social time spend with people is connected to food and the enjoyment/eating of it. There are many other ways we can be doing this - time spent with people does not have to be a food centred event, why are we putting so much of what we base spending time with people around food? I think perhaps on a general level, people and the world have got our views wrong on what we get our value out of and why.
I am not sure on that one - but it is something to think on. Why is food so socially important and if it was replaced with something else, would we be better off relationally for it? What is it that gives us value from people and relationships?

Now, where was I.
Oh yes, eating, with people. To be honest, it is a very hard thing at the moment, for a few reasons.

1. They can eat what they want.
It is difficult not to tear up as Ria chomps ravenously into a steak (and I don't even like steak!) as I watch her enjoy - and chew - her meal, knowing it will be happily remaining in her stomach, and that she will not think of it again. She will be full, satisfied. I am tryimg not to resent people eating around me.

2. It smells and looks so good, and they will enjoy it. Again, it is idfficult not to get angry at them because they can eat something and I cannot. It also really annoys me if they do not enjoy eating it or see it as something simply to survive.

3. They watch me struggle to want to eat, and give pitying looks without meaning to.

4. They asks if it tastes nice. Of course not, even if it did, even if I wanted it to stay there, it's all coming srraight back up with a bitter taste and fuzzy teeth.

5. I have to leave to throw up. It is fine until halfway through a meal, and the first lot comes back. Then whilever I am eating, fine again. As soon as I have finished, it has to come up. If I dont get to a toilet it WILL be everywhere. The thought of having to hold it down is horrible.

6. They ask if any of it stayed down. Never. Ask. That. It is so insensitive. Duh, I just threw up and feel horrible.

7. They say things like, 'pray it down'. Dude, seriously. The pain and nausea of food staying there is a million times worse than the releif and pain of vomiting. At least vomiting is relief.

8. I want to be left alone to eat. I don't want to look like a sooky baby because I cry when my soup is cold, tasteless mushed liquid while you are eating freshly baked muffins with an amazing aroma.

9. I don't want to talk about food. Especially not mine. Anything else is fine. When I am eating, I am barely coping with the idea of making myself eat.

10. I am hungry all the time. This makes me grumpy. And irrational. Not hungry stomach growly (although that happens at 3:00 every morning) but just hungry. My body is starving, there is no body fat left, energy levels and sugar levels are always low, and I get dizzy easily. I am weak a lot of the time.


11. It just isn't fair. This one's a whinge. I'm sick of it all. Haha.

I want to spend time with my family, and people, and I miss that. But if I run out at the dinner table or do not eat when you do, those are the reasons why.

Looking at all that, I do want to cry and have another meltdown, but. But, I actually also feel hugely releived to have said that. It all looks to me like I just threw a major tantrum on paper there, it reads like such a big complaining session and right now I could easily feel like slapping myself about the face and telling myself just to get over it, like I do and have done with everything else. But part of me knows that I cant handle it anymore, and regardless of what I or others think I have to throw that tanty, cry about it, and see what ways there are of moving on. I am sorry for doing so much complaining, but right now I have to! Waah.

So God has been showing me all this rubbish that is there and I just cant handle it anymore. I cry so much, am angry, hate myself, get frustrated and try too hard to hope, and then it all comes crumbling down.
God keeps talking to me about giving it all to him, and letting go of control, and of surrenderring. It is not easy and I m struggling so very hard with it all.

I am fighting with being able to let go of the control I have because of the fear that if I do, I WILL HAVE NOTHING LEFT. Thats so scary to me right now.

Yet God is also showing me that no matter what,

He makes all things work together for my good.

I want so hard to believe that. I do. Giving up means losing everything, it means being voulnerable, being open, exposed, scared, lost, and available. Im not sure I am willing to do that. But I know that what God has in mind is so much more wonderful than anything I have planned for me and my life - again though, it is hard to believe that what God has planned is not only good, and better, but that it will actually happen, and it is not just a dream or fantasy, or hanging out of reach like a donkey's carrot on a string.

Courage is doing it afraid.

I am afraid. But I want to give it to God, despite wanting to hang onto it. I want to believe. For real. God help me do it afraid; to do it anyway. Give me courage like a lion, whose heart is not faint in times of trouble. Give me faith like an eagle who soars without questioning his ability to fly. Give me hope that does not dissapoint.

There. I have said enough for now, even though I have pages and pages of journal notes I could add - and some other major issues I have not even touched on.

Thank you for reading. Keep me in your thoughts today, I am in desperate need of prayer and His strength. I would really appreciate this; you cannot know how much.

Today, I choose, to see past this despair and the food, and the pain, and the struggle, and the problems. I choose to look for things in my day that DO mean something - like clothes that fit and will wear and feel happy in, and spending time with people, my family, and of the ways I can bless them - even if I do not have the strength to even wash up. Of the little things, the grass, the flowers, the devoted blue heeler dog who loves and worships me and gives me stress therapy every day, of how I can paint inspiring gifts for people - even if it does not earn me money or make value of who I am. Of the fact that the sun is shining, that I am indeed alive, despite it all, that I do not have to cry about being like this forever, that today, today I will get through this, and tomorrow is tomorrow.

And that I will be able to eventually give these things to God and trust him with my body, emotions, soul, and spirit without limiting him to any kind of timefame or expectations.

God give me strength. Give me that courage like a lion, a lion who does not fear but stands unafraid. He stands. Courage to do it afraid.  Give me faith like an eagle, who soars without questioning his ability to do so. Help me to believe even when I do not feel like it. Help me to trust when I see no end. Help me to give to you what I feel I cannot. You know my heart, O God, you know I am willing, but you also know I fight to hang onto that control. Help me to let go of everything. Of everything.