Hunger, Cravings - and Finding Satisfaction

 

I am always hungry.

Not just hungry. Starving.

It comes from the pit of my belly - the very same belly which is in constant agony or lurching around like a ship on the ocean in a storm - often an audible hunger, and pains, but more often than not a mere, dull sense of constant hunger. And its true. I am hungry. My body is starving. 

Being hungry all the time, even though you may or may not be. Sometimes I think the hunger is only in our minds. I my own case I do wonder how much of it is my mind, how much my body. Where do the cravings come from? And why? When I dream of fruit cake and potato chips - is that my body or my mind? Are these the 'desires of the flesh that one gives into? I am not yet sure. Or am I craving some mineral or salt, and this is my body's way of trying to tell me that?

Every time I empty my belly I want to fill it. Every time it is filled and then emptied and then filled again, I am still hungry. The constant vomiting only makes me hungrier. With that hunger comes anger, I suppose. Anger at the food which never satisfies, never fills, never really appetises. Never tastes right, never really stays down. But what is God teaching me here, I wonder?
On the days when I don't eat anything at all I am still hungry - but the hunger I ignore because it is easier to endure hunger than pain and an aching stomach. These days seem better but the hunger is still there.

I still desire food. It is still very difficult to watch people eat certain foods, or to help prepare food. Particular foods, too. I crave certain foods, particularly those which do not agree with my stomach right now. I dream about foods. I can even taste foods without actually having eaten them - stupid tastebuds and brain, you mock me! I am not over food yet - I will admit that.

Perhaps this part of me has to die also. I cannot simply go an eat these foods as I would otherwise have done. Perhaps that is a good thing - having to die to self. But even that is a choice. I still have to mentally choose to think about something else. Its hard, craving something you cannot have. There's not even the option of giving in to the cravings - you just can't have it. Then comes the choosing to think on somethung else part - killing that craving - which often doesn't happen. And it comes back. A different form, perhaps chocolate cake this time. But again, that choice. Always there is a choice. And often it is easier to give in. But is it? Is it really easier? Or do the repercussions last longer than that choice?

I think that hunger was there. Long before I got sick. I think it might explain why I ate the way I did - that feeling of never having enough. Of never being satisfied.
I thought about it. Long and hard. What does it mean to be satisfied? Truly, genuinely satisfied? What does the word mean to me?

Satisfaction - completeness, wholeness, happiness, blissfully unaware of anything aside from the present.
I also thought of moments (non-food related) when I have been 'satisfied'. There weren't many, but if I did have to recall them they might be: A job well done - a long day's work in the sheepyards, now we are finished and showering off all that dirt. The silence walking home at dusk, the beauty in the sky as the colours run in the sunset. The pure bliss of breathing in cold, moist air as it sprays directly off the ocean. The warmth of lying, soaking up the sun. The warmth of sitting in front of the fire in the middle of winter. And, of course, a belly full of food. I had to add that one. Ahh dear, food. =P 

And yet the only time I find the opposite of this hunger is when I sleep. Decent sleep, that in itself is a feeling of satisfaction. How I long for sleep. Even now my sleep is broken and unconsistant. 

Oh, satisfaction. Of being filled.
How I long for you.
I hope, and desperateley search for you. I must, and will find you. I will.

How does one find satisfaction? It must be in God. God longs for us to be satisfied. To be satisfied in Him. I long to do this also, I just don't know how. Or perhaps, I do. Perhaps though, it is not as simple as allowing Him to satisfy us. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is giving up our own satisfactions in order for Him to be able to satisfy. Perhaps that is as simple as it gets.
Perhaps that rich man who did not give up all he owned did not really want to follow Jesus badly enough. He could not let go. I do not want to be like that man. Yet letting go is so hard. It is pain. It is sorrow. And grief. And uncertainty. And fear. And trusting another. But it is where God would take us.

God  I long to be satisfied. I long to still that hunger which aches whithin my being. I long to be filled, to be whole.
May I find this in you. Bestow it upon me, O God, grant me my request. I seek it; Your word says I will find it. I seek. I will find. I trust. And believe. And wait in expectarion. 
Have I ever been satisfied?
May I find this satisfaction in You and You only. May I be able to give up the things I have for Your plans and purposes. May I give up my food for Your food, and willingly. Give me the ability to do so. 
May I be filled - and filled forever from the spring of Living water.  Of Life.