The Purpose of Life...

The Stages of Letting Go - Denial

The Process of letting go - because it is just that - a process.

Sometimes letting go can appear a simple thing - sometimes it is. Sometimes letting go can be instant, a moment of no return.
It is that, too.

But I am finding the process of letting go can be likened to the process of grieving.

It has stages. 

These stages may all occur at once, or slowly, and,like the stages of grief, follow their course - although,not always in a particular order.

Despite the natural course of grief which ends in resolution, someones a stage can repeat, and that person may not get beyond that stage.

This is seen a lot and can be identified with an unwillingness to even remember or move on. Moving on, also called resolution in the stages of grief, is part of the grieving process and this is where healthy grief heads - the ability to grieve the loss but also remember the good times.

In the same way, we can be when we do not let go.

While we may not be grieving a person, I think there are similar stages which inhibit and affect how wedeal with things, and our ability to let go.

I think denial is huge. Denial can be seen in many forms:

Denial of anything to let go of, of the pain of the past, of feelings, emotions, thoughts - even if we thought we shouldn't have had them. We still cannot deny what is true.

Denial is the first stage of grief. While I am not suggesting letting go of things is or isn't a grieving process (it may well be) I am comparing similarities.

In the same way people clarify and ask for a second opinion when they hear of a loved one's death, in life we also discredit problems and pain which bubbles away under the surface.

We may consider the problem insignificant, or, be very aware of its existence, and know dredging it up will be painful beyond belief - so for own own sakes, we keep it hidden. I, too, am guilty of that.

The trouble here is that while denial eases the present pain, it only bandaids a seeping wound which grows deeper and more painful, as it hides, unexposed to light.

What I mean here is that in order to let go of something, we have to recognise that there is something to let go of.
To forgive, you have to see the unforgiveness, to heal a wound you have to know it is there.

To start healing and cleaning. 

To heal a wound you must know it is there.

Often  the pain warns us, but we can numb the pain with denial like an aspirin.

But aspirin doesn't heal the wound, or open it up, or clean it out. Rather, it helps us to forget. Sometimes only momentarily, but yes,we have forgotten! Until it wears off and we are back to where the pain started. In the same way, denial lies, alters the truth and minimises what is really wrong. 

A huge step to healing is accepting and recognising the wound. Then comes the difficult part - omce the aspirin has worn off, and the pain has become unbearable, the wound must be treated, cleaned out, and left to heal.

but sometimes the pain is too great - and we fear - or the fear is to great, and we refuse to allow the healing process to begin. We are terrified of what we might find underneath our bandaid, so we keep swigging asprin in the hopes it will go away by itself. Don't get me wrong here, but, like too much aspirin, denial eventually becomes dangerous, and causes us serious (and less-deniable) problems.

The wound finally reaches the point where it is painful beyond the work of aspirin, and beginning to debilitate, immobilse, and seep. Now everyone knows it is there.

What's worse, you now have no choice but to open it up and let it be treated - or else.

Unfortunately for us, our denial keeps these wounds hidden, leaving them to rot and get deeper.

God has always wanted to help us heal them. 

Denial hasn't. Denial has prevented the healing while it was still a small cut, surface level and easily cleaned. Denial and fear have let it rot, have let it become deadly. Because denial is deadly. Hiding, lying, denying the truth - will eventually catch up. Like invisible bacteria infecting a wound, denial works deeper than we know. 

The good news is that the master physician is the healer, and He does heal. No stage of sickness, no intense pain, and no problem is too big for Him. 

But like an unwilling hospital patient, he cannot help or heal us if we will not admit that we need healing.

If we think we can fix it ourselves.
If its not as bad as that.
If its not there at all.
Denial is dangerous.

Truth is life.
Truth is painful.
Truth is opening up the wound, dressing it, prodding it, cleaning it.
Making it bleed.
Truth and them love.

Love is the cleansing, as care is given. 

Then comes the healing.

But healing cannot be given to a hardened heart.

I think you know what I mean.

Don't let denial keep you in pain.

No pain is too great, no wound too deep.

He will heal you.

Let Him.

Life, Life, and happiness!

It seems whenever I have something that I want to write, life gets in the way and prevents it. Haha, actually, no, it simply gets written on scraps of paper and forgotten, and doesn't seem to make its way here.

That's okay, but then, I think perhaps it makes things on here fairly photo heavy.
That's okay, too - but with a bit of variety.

I'd love to be able to blog more often. I think a lot of it has to do with not owning a laptop - and the exhausting amount of effort it takes to only use at night (only free time!) a noisy, clunky and bright (ow the eyes) computer.

Well, that aside, I do intend on buying a laptop. It's my hope that will make the difference.

But life has been so busy!

I've been planning, creating, sculpting, painting, making a new website, and loads of babysitting!

There's a lot I haven't put on here, because sometimes it feels like a lot of effort.

I will try, in future, to make my posts more regular and less boring (for some) as possible, with as much variety as possible.

This (may) include some of my recent super allergen friendly recipes! (Not by choice, but they aren't that bad!)

In other news...

Yes! I have finally scored my hard earned Certificate! 4 years later, and plenty of hard work and lots of expense, my love of animals has at last met its qualifications.

That's been a long time in coming.

Hooray times a lot!

I think that part's pretty self-explanatory. 

Happy day.

Frozen - Letting Go

Yesterday was an apparently normal day.
In town, getting away from the havoc of home, babysitting, and endless family/farm life.

My sister and I went to watch the movie, 'Frozen' for an afternoon out.

There's a lot more to that movie than I thought. What's more, there was a lot more to yesterday than I thought.

Needless to say, God got me - right where He wanted to.

I recommend watching that movie. It's good. But I appreciated it more than most, probably, simply in the way God revealed to me through it.

Watching the inner turmoil of Elsa, the fear and constant pain of internalising everything, holding it all in, of not feeling.

That has been my life. There was one point where I nearly walked out because it represented for me a place so unbearable and terrifying - of not being able to control, of being ruled by fear, and of the inner turmoil and constant storm inside.

That hasn't just been the last year for me, that has been my life.

But the most powerful part of the movie, for me, was where Elsa ran off after the people discovered her secret - when she couldn't hide it anymore.

Running away, up that mountain, she didn't recoil in fear,but finally let it all out.

Let it go. Everything.

Everything that had ever kept her locked away, captive to fear.

At that moment I felt God touch me, almost physically, and I knew.

Tears streaming down my face, even in a public cinema, God revealed to me that was exactly where I was now, and had been recently.

Finally, at that place, where you can no longer hold it in, no longer lie, no longer hide.

Finally, fear has no hold.

Letting go.

I have now reached that place - the place of letting go, of being who I was made to be.

That sounds like a simple explanation but it is not.

I know.

And I have let it go.

Now let it be beautiful -

Me

I will be beautiful. Who I was made to be.

Wow.

This is Who I Am.

Let it Go.

Glorious Ruins

Recently God has been showing me there is still more to heal.
That hasn't come as a surprise to me, I suppose I simply hoped the purification had stopped for just a little while. It seemed not to be.
Yet that is a good thing.

This morning I listened to a sermon by Brian Housten. What spoke to me about this message was not simply the content, but the way God directed it at me.

Recently I have been drudging up more mess thanks to Him, and we have been working on the same topic a while now.
Another step forward, this message (and song) inspired me to believe in the impossible.

That the ruins of life, love and relationships can again become glorious - as they were made to be.

There is that hope - and a God who fulfills it.

Glorious Ruins

VERSE
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

PRE-CHORUS
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

CHORUS
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

VERSE
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence

The Gift of Music - And God.

There's something about Music... which winds its way through our lives, gripping, shaping, leading, in a way that never really ends. Songs are written, lyrics change, music does not. Yet with all the endless-ness of this invention, it never grows old. It also remains deep within each one of us - in many ways, expressing what we - and mere words - cannot.

The Gift of Music.

I have known this gift all my life but have never relied on it as much as I do now. The above song is simply another example of wording something one cannot.

My year, my life, my struggle - as it has been - is summed up in both of these songs. Beautiful, haunting, challenging. 

The current struggle of life may not be as life-threatening but it still remains, forcing me (forcing us all) to daily let go, let God, and simply Trust, even when it seems we cannot. 

For the battle has not been won yet, the war is still waging, and the struggles continue.

One thing remains the same - 

This Trust, this Hope, this God.

Amen.

What the Lord has done in ME - and What He is still doing... though I know it not.

Wow. I don't know where to start, or really that there is a beginning.
There is merely a forward motion of progress; no apparent start and no apparent end. And so, this is the way, it would seem, life goes.
So be it. And what, exaclty, you ask... is that supposed to mean exactly? Not a huge deal. In some kind of optimistic way, though, it means that life goes on. Which it does. Funny thing is, that's the nature of life, isn't it? And yet God has organised it that way. Day in.. day out. Sun rises, sun sets. Seasons come and go.
Yes. Right now, I am meandering. So, shall I get the the point?

My title. If the above didn't exactly make much sense, I'll skip the waffle and give an interpretation, in, well, English.
So much has happened in my life over the past 3+ weeks. I've been busy, away, absolutely flat-out and sometimes bored out of my brain. (That was 3 weeks ago, home alone... )
As I stated abive, I never really know where or when, or how to start. Especially now, now that God has done something incredible in my life.
I suppose I'll go back to where I left off from my last post here, and a quick fill-in of what's been happening in this crazy mad life of mine. Most importantly, God has been changing me, and teaching me, and healing me. That last one is just something completely indescribable, the finality of finally being able to discard of these old wounds and burdens and be finally able to live alive - at last. I do not merely speak of my physical illness/ess and the healing which I have slowly been receiving from the Father for these (and praise His holy name) but rather of the deep, inner and crippling wounds I have carried about on the inside of me for as long as I can remember. As it stands, I am also convinced that physical illness as was in my case was only a very small glimpse of the turmoil that was going on inside me.
My body at last, did weaken from the inside calamity and began to show as a physical illness. I truly believe that many physical conditions are only expressions of what is really going on inside - as it eventually has to get out somewhere. In many ways, it is a mercy it has happened to me now, that I am able to see and recognise these things which have been suffocating and hindering me for so long - and by God's incredible grace they have been revealed to me.

With that said, I can only say I am finally, at long last really beginning to truly understand (as if a mere human could) the incredible healing of God, the trueness of it, the freedom which can now be grasped, and the hope alighted. I know I will never be the same again, my Lord has touched me more than I ever thought possible, and has set my very world ablaze. Not in some crazy, wild, uncontrollable or childish manner, but in a way so deep, so hidden within me, so tangible, so true, it simply is. He is in me, He has healed me.

Does it not say in the Bible, 'come, and tell of the wonders He has done'? I used to think that was all very well - for others, and for truly miraculous circumstances. But not only is our God a God of miracles, He is a God of everyday miracles, of the little things, so concerned with changing our hearts and ensuring we know how much (or get a glimpse of) just how incredible and never-ending is His love.

With that thought in mind, I will end here, but do return, for you shall find me ever changed by the Grace of our Lord, and it even surprises me (who has had a close walk with God) to discover just how much I keep talking of what He has done - and in a genuine, real, way - as one who has experienced the depths of darkness and has been brought back into life and light! And O what glorious, real, saving light that is!

The Danger of Derailing Trains - and How to Prevent It

To write, or not to.

Writing requires thought.

Tought which, after a long, endless day at work, seems to become more and more mangled and disconnected.  At which point, speech itself becomes nothing more than jumbled sounds resembling, perhaps, some exotic variety of monkey...

Still, I have given you enough description to easily understand the current state of my mind.  Mush. Pulp. Oooh. Pulp.

Yeah, that sounds like my day.  Like my head. 
Millions of fragments of various thoughts racing (not walking) their way about my mind, each intent on its own train being first.

Trains of thought, that is.  Yes, I can see why they call them that. Each individual thought roams about with the subtlety of a train - make that one without controls or brakes. 
Yet just as suddenly as one great long freighter takes centre-stage, it is quickly de-railed by another, perhaps smaller, yet obviously as important, engine.
Just like those fast-pelt trains chugging along full speed in the old Western movies, these trains seem to never stop.  And they certainly don't like being driven.

I, for one, have always thought that it was pointless trying to lasso these wild beasts as they apparently don't stop or slow down for anyone.  Let 'em run loose.
Well, that's not always true. It's time - time to find the traindriver whithin yourself and master the madness in your mind. (Not madness, you say? Bah - you are human, as am I, the mind is madness.)

I used to think my thoughts were entirely my own. But I have recently learnt otherwise.
Tricky devil uses these 'trains of thought' to create as much catastrophe as possible!
Add to that the fact that, like in real life, if these trains are left to run loose they cause havoc and inevitably end up in destructive collisions. And that is exactly what the enemy wants - destruction.
He will cause your thoughts to de-rail, collide, blow up, run havoc and destroy you if you don't recognise that you can run your own trains!

My trains are crazy.  Sometimes they are colourful, bright, and fast.  Other times they are simply fast, dark and furious. Sometimes they are slow, pensive and lurking. And, sometimes, they are covered in graffitti.

But there's one thing that doesn't change.  They are MY trains.

 Like the professional manager of a real life train company, I should protect my trains from graffitti. I should control the speed, power outage and destination of my trains.
All this I should do, simply because my business will fail if I do not. Neglect leads to destruction.

Truth is, if our thoughts becomes toxic, pensive, powerful and dangerous, we will end up de-railing and eventually self-destruct.  Blow up. Destroy ourselves from whithin - not to mention possible passengers along with us.

My trains have long been given full reign of my mind. I have never really 'thought' of consequences. (This seems to have been a common trend in my life till now, pah)
Again, not giving thought to this has kept me in darkness about the mutiny aboard my trains.
Deceived. Kept in darkness.

But no more. There is a very simple way to say what I am saying in the above example.

'Think about what you are thinking about.'

It's that simple.  We choose what we think on. Sure, the enemy may put those thoughts there in the first place, but we always have that choice to think about them or not to.

There is one really simple thing we should all do, as christians,  - regularly.

   Romans 12:2 clearly states:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

 

 Renew your mind. Think as God thinks. 

. Remember, only God can help you change your thoughts, to become holy and pure.

Philippians 4:8-9 states:

^{8 "}Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

This verse is an excellent reference and guide to follow regarding what we shouldbe thinking.

- Again, only God can change what and how you think.
He is the only one who can prevent these trains derailing.

Keep in mind that unless you set these trains on a course, they will automatically derail.
It's a default setting - called SIN.
 

... Light. Makes a Change from Darkness....

 

Sun. Light. Warmth. How ironic that it is the complete opposite of death. Duh, you say. Of course it is.
But there is a greater purpose at work here. Did not God create these extreme opposites for a distinct reason? Perhaps as an example of something greater?

This reminds me of some of my recent thoughts regarding amusing story-lines of all children's stories, movies and tales.  There is always a good guy and a bad guy, always light and dark, always clearly defined. Even some stories that begin more 'grey' end up with black and white. Good and evil.

God must have drawn that line long ago.  And for good reason.  We cannot understand that fully, merely can we appreciate the parallel and what it represents.

Darkness must flee in the presence of light. Any light floods out dark in its circle, however big or small the amount of light.

A big flood light does just that - floods the streets so all can see.
Chases away darkness.

This parallel between light and darkness is a scriptural principle and is mentioned often in the Bible.

 - Genesis speaks of the distinction between the two. Of the separation of the bright, pure light, and the suffocating, often deadly darkness.

Throughout life both are referred to in this manner. Each represents its own.God is always represented as light. Light is represented as everything good, and lovely, and Holy, and pure, and as life itself.

So what is this greater hidden depth? This mystery we only understand the surface of?

Learning to Surrender.

What are the true implications, I wonder? What does it mean to give in to one thing and not the other? And why is that important?
I will look at the obvious here. This is the struggle between life and death. Lets look at death.
Death is an end, yes, but I am learning that it likes to stay just out of reach - taunting, tantalising, threatening, and dark. We should steer clear of death, obviously. Yet reality of what life is sometimes makes us look closer - too close - to the end. Lets face it, we have all had times where we wanted to die, to end it, for nothingness. Often it is not death itself that drives us, but pain. Of wanting to escape so badly that the temptation of slipping into nothing becomes tangible. Well, that is a lie. Death is not an end. Death cannot stop or nullify the problem. Death is continuous, never ending hell, torment, despair and destruction. So why do we desire it?
Because it appears easier than choosing life.

Life is hard. Living requires effort, willingness, wanting to be alive, desiring purpose, future and hope. The reality of life is that it is a struggle - just like breathing requires effort, and retaining a heartbeat requires force and resistance. Life is hard. Death appears the easy way out. Despite this false appearance, death is a lie - it will never satisfy or complete. It will always be an empty hell.

Choosing life. This is my current greatest battle. So real, so terrifyingly close and constant. I am not talking the realm of suicidal thoughts - this is an entirely separate issue here - but rather the war between life and death which rages every day in us all, in some way or another. It is real, and it is something I have been made aware of. Get this. There is life. There is death. You choose. There is so much more at stake here than living happily ever after in heaven. This is now. 

This battle is not yours to fight.
I am learning, God. Yet as much as I struggle, the turmoil increases and uncertainty looms - alongside fear. Fear goes hand-in-hand with death. Oh, fear. Fear binds, holds in chains, keeps captive. Fear brings death. Fear is crippling. So why does it control us so easily? Because we allow it to overwhelm and rule; instead of resisting we give into the temptation of allowing fear to control us.

Now lets go back to life. Oh, the promise of life has surely got to be more than a whim of joy eventually, or some fantasy that seems unreal. Well, it is, but finding the true meaning of life is a little harder than you might think. Stuck in a dark pit, one can hardly see or look forward to the hope and promise of life without difficulty. There is always that option of slipping into death, but as we know that promise is empty as the grave. So we are left with another option - I believe a choice that is harder by far.

Life. What does it mean to choose life? It means effort and resistance. It means fighting. It means surrender, escape and freedom all at once.
I would like to say this part us easy, but that is so untrue. Often it is harder to choose something that requires effort when all we want to do is give up or give in - but that is exactly the place we need to be in.

Now we are at a crossroads. We are harshly faced with two options - to give in to death and be made its eternal hostage, or to give in to life and surrender completely to what it involves. Both options offer a means of escape, to some degree. But the choice is what defines.
And why.

You are still alive.

Therefore the choice is yours.

At this point, the battle is being waged not only in you, but around you. God owns this battle. Choose to surrender to life. Give up fighting, stop desiring an end. Weak and feeble you may be, yes, but.
Give in to God, let him carry you. Find the life God promises and you WILL LIVE IN IT.

Tell me, when you feel physically tired, does it not feel like complete bliss when you lay down and surrender to the healing restoration of sleep? Our surrender to life and to God must be made complete in this way.

Therefore choose life. God promises to sustain, love, protect, give hope, rescue, save, and fulfil us - if only we will allow him to.

God help me choose life, to desire it. Keep death far from my soul - for I believe, or at least my faint heart is trying to believe that when I give in to total surrender you will spare me and give me purpose as your word promises. 


"This day I call heaven and earth as witnessess against you  -

That I have set before you life and death, blessings and cursings.

Now choose life."


 ~ Deuteronomy 30:19

Complete and total surrender. Give in to life, to the knowledge of not only eternal hope but purpose, and the unconditional protection of the Love of God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Surrender not to death, but to life. Do not live in fear.