Keeping Food Down...

  Perhaps some of you know I have been struggling with my food simply on a physical level. The last few months have been particularly bad, especially the last 2. Since leaving hospital, I have struggled to keep any food down at all - in fact I think the vomiting worsened once I left and came back home. I would so often simply not eat for days at a time simply because it took more effort to vomit up food than to not eat. Nothing at all stayed down, and worse - more fluid came up.

I am discovering now that this very severe vomiting is not actually caused by the Gastroparesis at all, but by these additional white blood cells in my stomach.
As I mentioned before, I have a very sensitive stomach right now, which can be likened to a drippy nose with hayfever. Anytime that nose comes into contact with an irritant/allergen, it sneezes and becomes very irritated. In the same way, my stomach has these reactions to particular kinds of foods in the form of vomiting, and results in the food being forced out of the stomach. The reaction (that is, to vomit) is almost instant and there is no keeping the food there.
Unfortunately for me, this sensitivity is very, very sensitive right now, and even the smallest things can be considered an irritant. In terms of food, think of every kind of food you know of that people have allergies to. Yep. That, and more - I can't touch. Well, I can. But if I want to keep my food in my stomach, no.
So, how do I know all this?
Well, it all began when I gave up on the endless monotony and did something crazy - I spent a week really seeking God for answers and healing. And I believe I got both. Emotionally, and spiritually, something changed. I feel absolutely incredible. And the answers came, too. The confusion, the constant battle with food and eating, the getting nowhere - that all changed. God revealed to me to stay away from gluten. I tried that. Then I slowly began attempting to cut out other allergen-type foods. At the same time, I discovered some (very limited) foods that actually remained in my stomach, the most exciting thing of all. I cannot say just how wonderful it felt to have something in my stomach after about 3 weeks of non-stop vomiting.
It felt satisfying.
The last week or so, I have been slowly attempting different foods and creating my own 'elimination list' of foods that 'don't agree' with my stomach. And I have made so much progress already in that by finding the foods I can eat, I can eat and keep down meals. This means I have some amount of energy and am no longer bedridded! Praise God for that!
Think I am joking about not being able to eat particular foods? No way. I am serious - if I eat any of these particular foods I will vomit immediately, will not keep any food down, and will likely spend the rest of the day vomiting for no apparent reason. (this begins the dehydration cycle, which causes potassium losses)

Foods I cannot eat 

Gluten/wheat (I have always been sensitive to wheat products, and I have found now that anything containing gluten makes me vomit very bad and I am sick for hours afterwards)

Dairy Products (All of them, at the moment, particularly yoghurt and cheese)

Soy  

Fruit

Corn

Nuts (Not 100% sure on this one, but all those I have tried disagree)

Seafood (again, not 100% sure)

Egg (another one which I will have to try again)

And a big one, which takes out the rest of my food options.
Ever heard of Salycilates? They are a natural colour, and you may have heard of them in carrots and oranges. They give most foods their colourings. Thing is, my stomach is very sensitive to these right now. This eliminates any (or most) coloured food.
For example, because these foods are high in salycilates, I cannot eat them at all. Foods high in salycilates include: mushrooms, tomato (really bad), olive oil, peanuts, carrots, corn, pumkpin, fruits (I cannot eat any fruit) herbs & spices, etc. The list of foods high in salycilates I cannot eat is VERY very long.
A list I can eat! And this is very basic. If I go outside this list, I beging vomiting again, and nothing stays down at all. Stay in this list an I am fine. It's hard though, and very boring.

http://www.everydaywithadhd.co.nz/user-assets/Info_Sheets/Salicylate_Food_Chart.pdf

(Check that list out - it is a salycilate list, and anything beyond 'low' I cannot eat. (add to that my other food allergies... short list)


Foods I can eat - this is ALL I can eat right now 

Meat (Yay for this! It is a staple right now)

Oats (Also a main staple) Oat-milk is nice!

Potato

Peas

Legumes (Also a staple)

...Not sure about Rice

...And as all spices have high salycilates, I can only eat:
Garlic
Shallots
Salt (even pepper is bad)
Canola Oil (olive oil is bad)
Sugar (cannot eat honey, it is really high in salycilates)
Cocoa
Tea

And that's it! It really sucks trying to flavour things without flavourings. And, because of this silly gastroparesis stuff, most of my food is soup/porridge. I am able to eat other type foods though, yay! So, keep on the lookout for 'allergen free' receipes! Because I will be posting them here. Also, I am desperately looking for any if people have some. =)

I cannot say just how incredible human I feel again being able to keep some food down. I still vomit a bit even on this strict elimination diet, but not nearly as bad as when I eat outside of these guidelines. Recovery, yay!

As for other news, I am excitedly preparing for winter in my many, many layers of warmth. Did I mention I have always loved winter? Also awaiting the parts for our woodfire - and guess where I'll be all season? ;)

~Anna

A Kaelen Update

Ah, those eyes. That face. It says a grand 'Hello!". A hullo from a face that was fortunately too worn-out to jump up and lick the camera lense.
Kaelen the Kelpie is going well. Very well. Full of energy, running twice the distance because he constantly retraces his footsteps - this pup is well on his way to becoming our dream sheepdogge.
Unfortunately he still has a great deal of puppyhood silliness (which is very much to be expected for his age) and has a rather short attention span. I am hoping to introduce this boy to the world of sheep over the next month or so, and we will begin with quiet work in the sheepyards (a controlled environment) doing one-on-one training with a lead. I am certainly looking forward to this but will be doing these sessions on a short, yet frequent basis.
So far, Kaelen is learning well the connection between commands and words and already knows:

Sit
Down
Drop
Give
Fetch ("Go get it")
Come

... Quite a lot for a pup his age. He's doing well. Ah, Patience...

Gastroparesis Updates

Updates on me...
So, you may not have heard from me in recent days. I assure you, however, I am still very much alive and.... Kicking?
Well is probably not the best term.
Since my last hospital trip my health has been up and down, unfortunately for me, mostly down.
 Recently my vomiting has been particularly bad and I kept no food from any meal down whatsoever. As well as this, my potassium levels dropped yet again - leaving me pretty weak (i.e. bedridden) for at least the last week. Thankfully a visit to the doctor involved the increased dosage of potassium tablets as well as a prevented trip to the hospital. (That and the fact we could not get results for blood tests because my veins were both uncooperative) So, above... the reason no one has heard from me recently!

Prior to this latest bout of weakness we went off to see my specialist doctor, a gastroenterologist, who yet again listed management of my gastroparesis, changed medications and ordered more. He also described another counter- condition I  apparently have that is also responsible for some of my symptoms. Eosinophil's in the duodenum is most easily described as asthma of the duodenum. (The opening into the small intestine). Haha, yes! Just like an allergic reaction causes the lungs to overproduce the amount of white blood cells, so too does the stomach. This condition is apparently extremely rare, and of the research I have done, I have discovered it is common for people who suffer various other forms of allergy, of which I have all my life.
The symptoms are apparently notably worse after exposure to gluten and lactose.

Upon returning home, I went off my medication, as advised, with particularly  bad effects on my body. Going off the steroids caused me to end up in bed for a week, and for most of that time I slept. I must say, I am thrilled to be sleeping for more than 2 hours straight - I have my nighttimes back! I am also thrilled to be noticeably a lot more emotionally stable. Amazing what drugs can do to you. sheesh.

Medication aside, I simply have more and more doctors appointments. Also there is the likelihood of having to check out my 'Gilbert's Syndrome' as well. (Google that one!)

And that is only the physical. It's been a tough couple of weeks. But it has also been a very interesting couple. And especially as a result comes intimate seeking God. It is unfortunate, however, that this is often our very last resort.

More on that later, though.

Weak

The opposite of strong.
And I do not mean simple not being as strong as the body builder on tv, or even as strong as someone who goes to the gym.
What about not having any strength at all?

I do not write this as a means to complain, or talk about just 'how I feel'. No. There is something much deeper here.

Have you ever felt weak?

Maybe it was after a time of strenous physical activity, like running a long distance or working hard all day. The end result is the feeling that your body cannot take anymore, and your legs feel as though they will pack it in if you dare ask anymore of them.

That is how I feel all the time.

Weak. 

Even walking is a challenge at the moment, and anything else physical is certainly out of the question. I spend the majority of my days at the moment in bed or in a loungechair. Comfortable... not really. But it beats being stuck in bed with nothing to do.
Part of me questions whether I am being lazy some days... and I attempt way too much. This results in me being stuck in bed for longer. Ah, so I am learning to listen to my body. I am also learning to listen to that still, small voice when I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to distract my mind with, and no one to talk to. And it tells me many things.

One of those things is simply the amazing fact that occassionally it takes something like this - being stuck, unable to physically move - to be still enough to one, listen, and two, actually be quiet enough to hear what the father is saying.

And really, it all goes back to how busy be are. We are just too busy. So much to do, so many priorities, so many plans, a long agenda. But how much of that is God's plan? Or have we, possibly, gone astray from His original plan in our own desire to be fulfilled, busy, have a job, and continue onwards in the mundane highway of our own making? How much more does He have in store for us, or wants us to experience, but we derail these plans He has because we are so busy and obsessed with our own?

It certainly makes for an interesting thought. I myself am guilty of having done this. I do not even suggest it do condemn - but rather, as something to think on.

So think on it - does it have to take a life-altering thing for God to be able to talk to us? Are we SO busy that He cannot get through? Or perhaps we should take the time to stop, and ask, and simply listen to whatever it is he wants to say - without prayer requests, whining, etc, etc. Simply listen. Be still. And know. Revelation will come.

Abigail Eloise Photography

                                                                                   

 

 

 

 

Hunger, Cravings - and Finding Satisfaction

 

I am always hungry.

Not just hungry. Starving.

It comes from the pit of my belly - the very same belly which is in constant agony or lurching around like a ship on the ocean in a storm - often an audible hunger, and pains, but more often than not a mere, dull sense of constant hunger. And its true. I am hungry. My body is starving. 

Being hungry all the time, even though you may or may not be. Sometimes I think the hunger is only in our minds. I my own case I do wonder how much of it is my mind, how much my body. Where do the cravings come from? And why? When I dream of fruit cake and potato chips - is that my body or my mind? Are these the 'desires of the flesh that one gives into? I am not yet sure. Or am I craving some mineral or salt, and this is my body's way of trying to tell me that?

Every time I empty my belly I want to fill it. Every time it is filled and then emptied and then filled again, I am still hungry. The constant vomiting only makes me hungrier. With that hunger comes anger, I suppose. Anger at the food which never satisfies, never fills, never really appetises. Never tastes right, never really stays down. But what is God teaching me here, I wonder?
On the days when I don't eat anything at all I am still hungry - but the hunger I ignore because it is easier to endure hunger than pain and an aching stomach. These days seem better but the hunger is still there.

I still desire food. It is still very difficult to watch people eat certain foods, or to help prepare food. Particular foods, too. I crave certain foods, particularly those which do not agree with my stomach right now. I dream about foods. I can even taste foods without actually having eaten them - stupid tastebuds and brain, you mock me! I am not over food yet - I will admit that.

Perhaps this part of me has to die also. I cannot simply go an eat these foods as I would otherwise have done. Perhaps that is a good thing - having to die to self. But even that is a choice. I still have to mentally choose to think about something else. Its hard, craving something you cannot have. There's not even the option of giving in to the cravings - you just can't have it. Then comes the choosing to think on somethung else part - killing that craving - which often doesn't happen. And it comes back. A different form, perhaps chocolate cake this time. But again, that choice. Always there is a choice. And often it is easier to give in. But is it? Is it really easier? Or do the repercussions last longer than that choice?

I think that hunger was there. Long before I got sick. I think it might explain why I ate the way I did - that feeling of never having enough. Of never being satisfied.
I thought about it. Long and hard. What does it mean to be satisfied? Truly, genuinely satisfied? What does the word mean to me?

Satisfaction - completeness, wholeness, happiness, blissfully unaware of anything aside from the present.
I also thought of moments (non-food related) when I have been 'satisfied'. There weren't many, but if I did have to recall them they might be: A job well done - a long day's work in the sheepyards, now we are finished and showering off all that dirt. The silence walking home at dusk, the beauty in the sky as the colours run in the sunset. The pure bliss of breathing in cold, moist air as it sprays directly off the ocean. The warmth of lying, soaking up the sun. The warmth of sitting in front of the fire in the middle of winter. And, of course, a belly full of food. I had to add that one. Ahh dear, food. =P 

And yet the only time I find the opposite of this hunger is when I sleep. Decent sleep, that in itself is a feeling of satisfaction. How I long for sleep. Even now my sleep is broken and unconsistant. 

Oh, satisfaction. Of being filled.
How I long for you.
I hope, and desperateley search for you. I must, and will find you. I will.

How does one find satisfaction? It must be in God. God longs for us to be satisfied. To be satisfied in Him. I long to do this also, I just don't know how. Or perhaps, I do. Perhaps though, it is not as simple as allowing Him to satisfy us. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is giving up our own satisfactions in order for Him to be able to satisfy. Perhaps that is as simple as it gets.
Perhaps that rich man who did not give up all he owned did not really want to follow Jesus badly enough. He could not let go. I do not want to be like that man. Yet letting go is so hard. It is pain. It is sorrow. And grief. And uncertainty. And fear. And trusting another. But it is where God would take us.

God  I long to be satisfied. I long to still that hunger which aches whithin my being. I long to be filled, to be whole.
May I find this in you. Bestow it upon me, O God, grant me my request. I seek it; Your word says I will find it. I seek. I will find. I trust. And believe. And wait in expectarion. 
Have I ever been satisfied?
May I find this satisfaction in You and You only. May I be able to give up the things I have for Your plans and purposes. May I give up my food for Your food, and willingly. Give me the ability to do so. 
May I be filled - and filled forever from the spring of Living water.  Of Life.

Training a Working Dog - Methods and Intents Part 2

  

Training a Working Dog - the desired methods and intents explained.

Previously we looked at the training of a working dog and the desired outcome - that outcome being the owning of a well-trained, obedient dog capable of handling livestock in a calm, confident, and controlled manner.
Now we will attempt to look at other prosepects of our dog - those which we have in planning long before we pick or bring home the puppy.

Above is a photo of my own "List" that I created as an easy way to 'map out' my own goals and expectations prior to picking a puppy. The importance of this cannot be expressed enough - knowing what your goals are, and discovering what realistic goals are, is an important part of the process prior ro choosing the dog itself. You need to know what you want in a dog, and how you are going to get there. Obviously the how is affected by the methods used and the dog itself, as well as your own ability to execute that.
The what is something that needs to be established early on in the piece.
The list as above. These are my own, personal goals but I think they are very relevant.

* Ability to listen, and respond 
- By this I require my dog to listen, be able to listen (not be too distracted or busy) and respond appropriately to any commans given. Naturally I should only ask my dog to do something I know he can actually do; but my dog in return must be willing to do what I have requested of him.


* Natural herding instinct, controlled
- I require my dog to have a natural herding ability; this which I will harness with my trust and training. This natural herding ability varies greatly from breed to breed and dog to dog, which is why it is so important to choose wisely that pup and his lineage before having one's heart set on a puppy simply because it is cute.
A dog's pedigree or background is very very important at this point and should not be ignored. Natural instinct of any kind is passed down through the generations and even a mixed breed dog throws back to some grandparent or another. Thus it is important that background be known as much as possible. This also goes for aggressive tendencies and the avoidance of these.
As I stated before, I want to be able to harness this natural herding instinct through obediance.

* Wide cast, good eye and bark
- A follow-up of the above, these are my desired instincts that I particularly want to select a pup for. I desired a dog with a wide, fast cast and good clean eye. Some of these traits are more specific to Border Collies, however are fairly common in Kelpies and I believe are what differentiates between an average dog and an outstanding one. As I personally desire a dog that works smoothly, calmly and with as little disruption as possible, I am more interested in the dog's handling of its instincts.
I also desire my dog to have a strong, firm bark to use when required - but not over-use.

* Willing to work, enjoys job
- I require my dog to be willing to do the tasks asked of him. I want a dog that is eager-to-please, and actually wants to be working with me/and or/whoever is handling him. (Within reason, of course.) This is a very important requirement, for my dog's sake as much as my own.

* Relationship. Trusts, eager, is not afraid
- My dog needs to trust in order for him to not be afraid, and in order for him to work willingly and enthusiastically. I detailed the foundation-building process in the previous post on training a working dog.
My dog should not show fear when he sees me. Respect, yes. Fear, no.

* Connection. Dog can read master, always ready
- I require my dog to understand what it is I ask of him - because he understands me. He must be always listening, ears back when I speak, trying to understand or anticipate the next command. He must not be of frollicking without regard to me or what I say - this shows disrespect and is very imdesirable.

* Quiet handling of stock. Not over-excited
- I require that my dog is calm and confident enough in himself to not need to over-excite, bite or worry stock. This comes with time, but also confidence in his master. He needs to have the ability to calm himself and not get overexcited to a dangerous level. This comes with training.

* Unmoving stay. Obediance is a must
- I cannot emphasise enough how important this point is. I require absolute obediance from my dog, borne through trust. When stay is taught, it is taught completely and the follow-through must be consistant and complete. Stay is absolutely foundational and cannot be broken.

* Adjusted to working environment, no fear
- I require my dog to be able to work in a variety of environments without over-stressing, and without fear. This comes only through the process of desensitisation and training, also taking care that no fearful experiences occur during the puppyhood stages.

* Ability to 'fire up' and 'stop' as required
- I require my dog to have the natural ability (this is also very strongly connected to the dog's personality) to fire up - take off after stock, respond to instant commands, etc and stop as requested. The stop, in particular is very important. The dog must have the self control to be able to stop and not get over-excited.

* Returns stock that break/quick cast/holds stock
- I will require my dog to be able to retrieve lost stock or stock that break, and to do so in a gentle manner without upsetting the entire flock. Holding is also something I would like my dog to be able to do.

These 'goals', so to speak, are those which I have thought about and decided upon well before the purchase of my puppy. The reason for this being I have narrowed down my prospects and can now establish whether or not they are realistic expectations of my dog.
In doing so, I also now have a list of which I can work from as I establish training methods.
These are training goals, to look back upon, to look forwards to, and to use in some way as a guideline.

Next we will look at getting our puppy, as well as the puppy stages/training/socialisation and Kaelen's own experiences.